Category: Journal

16-years ago when my kid’s drug addictions started the focus on any other relationship fell by the wayside. Luckily my husband and I had a strong marriage and went into this problem together. We each had strengths in different areas. I was the one who wanted to take on as much as I could for them, more understanding of the disease aspect of it. My husband was the one to tough love, make them accountable. Both had a purpose and purposely correct at different times. To no fault of my son’s addictions that marriage failed yet to this day, we still parent together much in the same way as we did then. I have had to learn tough love. let them carry their responsibility he has at times had to be more flexible, softer in his approach. Regardless we have learned how to support each other’s roles and respect the difference. We were then and continue to remain favored in this unconditional support we can have with one another.
Fast forward to today and trying to pave the way for a new relationship. I find myself on the other side of the coin. I am the tough love, less adaptable in what I will tolerate. My soon to be husband is where I was then — still trying to love and support with little boundaries.
This has provided me a unique standpoint — another opportunity to learn.  As I watch, I recall where I was. How far I’ve come and how frustrating this must have been for my loved ones watching my struggle. Now I’m the one standing back, watching the person I love and respect being treated with less than that.
I’m learning to abstain from controlling; I told you so’s and unsolicited advice.  No matter how true the words they cut deep. — And each of us has to accept these terms in our own time.
Observing from this angle reassures me how far I have come, but how much improvement is still needed. It gives me empathy for all those who stood against me out of love. Giving me loyalty most of the time did not mean agreeing with me.  I can now appreciate the fight they had.

Trying to build a foundation for marriage with someone else choices interfering and often hindering yours is not easy.
I see this as my final step in putting my life, my choices first. Not sacrificing my child or expecting him to do that it does put in perspective where our goals and focus should be.
As hard as I have fought for my son, I have to fight for me and my life, and that continues to be a puzzle I’m working every day.
I am so thankful for the people that have entered my life or have been there throughout the whole battle. Each has taught me lessons. Valuable teachings I couldn’t show myself.
For my soon to be the husband as we walk, sometimes drown in the waves of uncertainty, of it all….I hope that I am providing the same for you.

C. and JB. and so many more Thank you for the continued support And for not letting me walk alone.

I got to see my son again. Saw his eyes bright and full of hope. Watched him smile with a heart full of love. Listened to him speak with faith and awareness. Observed him take responsibility and recount new insights. Laughed with ease and cherished each moment
I no longer saw hate. Fear was missing. Anger resolved. Today after months of only seeing a shell of what was, he came walking in with purpose. A renewed sense of belonging.
As he sat there recounting to us what his days are like now he did it with such enthusiasm I couldn’t help but be envious. He, although confined, is free. Not being consumed by addition or the lasting effects he glowed with excitement over the possibility of a new start. One not marked with how to score drugs to feel ok. To not have to hustle, manipulate, or lie just to get through the day is relief he is embracing.
I walked away with bittersweet emotions. That is what addiction does to the family. Even in the most sincere moments, you are ever so cautious. Optimistically-overjoyed over the vast improvement and the return of your baby. Still, fear sits with you side by side.
I want so badly for this nightmare to be over and yet I know to do that means him leaving the security (yes jail to parents of addicts is safety) that is being provided to us — the reprieve from worry. Peace of mind returns, heavy burdens lifted to see that smile even in jail it’s worth it.
Most of that visit, I would catch myself trying to memorize every minute, hang onto his laughter, and cling to his every word. It’s overwhelming and exhilarating at the same time.
There’s no judgment, no need to search for apologies or evidence of regret it’s just about reconnecting with your child. Reestablishing the bond that addiction tries so desperately to destroy.
Finally, I could breathe!
Hugging him goodbye, I prayed for strength not to let the tears I could feel welling up slip out. I watched him walk away and with one more wave, and I love you, and I was free to welcome each emotion — one after the other.
I was crying for the months of anguish and the last 60 minutes of promise. Feeling everything, I keep buried. I  realized this is a victory for me as much as him. He deserves this level of support, and I deserve to be a mom.
As hopeful as i am, I find myself a little angry over the circumstances that have to be for me to be able to get to have this time with him. Why does it take incarceration to get to see my son again? To see all the beautiful qualities I knew were not gone just hidden behind the devil. I feel cheated this is the tradeoff, but I remind myself I need to be grateful because we came so close to not having this. You’re never guaranteed another moment, one last hug. You may not hear “I Love you” again. It can be taken as quick as it is given and I would not trade the fight for this victory.
I got to see my son again!!!

To hang on we must let go!!

If we hold on were coddling. If we let go were not supportive.  If we help were enabling if we stop were rejecting. If we give them everything, we spoiled if we limit were neglecting.
We are stuck with what to do for our children who suffer. With every turn, we make there are different perspectives. For every yes there’s a no. Every right defines a wrong. This is the most frustrating disease. There is no medicine or cure. It’s a draw of the card and to play means you will lose.
I can’t help but sit back and look at all we’ve lost in this. Fifteen years of a broken heart and endless tears and still we fight. The internal battle as strong and unfailing as it was the first day this started.
Looking back, I wonder what the most vital lesson is I have learned? I would have said before expectations. Managing your expectations to what they are or can do is very different than what we anticipated or command.

Maybe at one time, it was enabling — tough love versus loving them to death. A fine line we all walk, stumble, often fall. As we empower them in addiction they enslave us.

A lot of times, its self-care. That’s not easy. Programmed to care for them first we fight against the instinct we were born with against who we brought into this world. We both die as we try to save life.

I cannot list all the things I have learned.  Lessons are like layers — each folding over the other unveiling the next as we go.
Now 15 years later I think the answer for me. The most important I have learned is to embrace them where they are. Know your love isn’t supposed to fix but to support. I have learned to nurture without requiring. To sustain my love without demanding his.

The best gift I can give my son as he continues to struggle is to love him where he is!  In addiction or recovery.

TO HANG ON WE MUST LET GO…

It’s funny how quiet your life can get when the chaos is removed.  Honestly, I find myself holding my breath more.
Waiting for something to come along and knock me off my feet. Why can’t I accept the silence as a long-needed break rather than a test in resilience?  I’m almost lonely for the turmoil that always comes with my son’s addiction. At least then I would have something of him. I realize how addicted I have become to him whenever we are separated. To accept the crazy so that I can feel connected to him is scary. How much would I then consent too? History has repeated itself so many times; this is a fact of the enabling relationship we develop with our addicts. This has been a staple with mine. He uses I enable. We each have our defining roles.
Only when he is gone can I begin to see how dysfunctional we are. How can that be? I love my son. I know he loves me. How can that be wrong?
THAT’S HOW ENABLING FOOLS US…it teases our hearts. Tells us its ok cause we love them. That only we can save them. Confuses our logic any right or wrong, consequence or reward blend together like paints on a canvas. We can no longer tell what’s up or down. What’s his or mine. In fact, our addictions look much in the same.
It’s no wonder when one is removed from the equation we stumble to make sense of our life.
Today I struggle with the simplest emotions of just missing my son. As he works through his consequence, I feel like I too am serving a sentence. Doing my best to use this time apart as healing and learning what I need to do for myself, I can’t help but concentrate on him and his life after this. Where will the pieces remain in the puzzle which has become us?

To hang on we must let go

 

Admitting you are a part of your child’s drug addiction is a hard pill to swallow. I remember the moment this realization hit me. It didn’t come all at once. It was bits and pieces revealing itself. Slowly showing me the cycle we were in and why nothing was changing. I did not understand that through all of my “help,” I was hurting them.
Watching my youngest struggle and so effortlessly I walked right into his world its no wonder I didn’t see anything till we were both tumbling head first in the rabbit hole.
People would try to save me. Try giving me advice. Make suggestions. Do this. Stop doing that. I could never take the advice and use it. I would smile and walk away angry. How could people who do not deal with addiction have the faintest idea of what I should or should not be doing? I felt judged and looked down on because of the struggles of my child. Others assume his fall into drugs must have something to do with how he was raised. Some step we obviously missed. Something we should have done differently.
I began to judge other parents for not having to deal with these issues with their kids, yet they have an opinion about mine.
I became angry and bitter. Resentful of the “normal” lives they must have.
Then the thought hit me….what if the only difference in them and I is I was able to admit my faults and mistakes. I can see what I did wrong. Maybe as parents of addicts, we do not have the luxury to live in our perfect world. For us to turn a blind eye may mean life or death. Where other parents can casually walk by we are held steadfast in place by the detrimental effects of addiction. Our problems are not a quick fix.  This is not a problem we can afford to ignore because they are uncomfortable. We have to look at all the moving parts, even if that’s us!
I have concluded that this requires us to be anything that goes against what we think a mother is. At least what my idea of a mother is. What kind of mother I had to be once I put down my armor of the “perfect mother” I was raised to be.

Often ask God why, and I think I got my answer. My child had no choice in being an addict. It takes a special kind of person to parent one.  God choose me! God gave me more than I could handle so I would choose him and through him I am exactly what my son needs to choose life.

To hang on we must let go..

I have read many blogs on drug abuse and what the addict and their families go through. I have found great resources in those blogs. When I decided to start my blog, I wanted my message to be raw and real. I wanted anyone who reads it to feel what it’s like to be in your addict’s rock bottom. I wanted it not to be so much informative but preferably understanding. I wanted anyone who read it to be able to see I’ve been there too, I’ve done that too. And in that find some comfort we are just human. We do the best we can. We fail, and we strive for better, but often we are barely hanging on.

Our days are not automatically filled with sunshine. We do not wake up looking forward to another day but dread how it will unfold. We are exhausted before we ever get started and our only solace is knowing this day will end.

Our nights are worse. If we’re brave enough to have our phones on actually looking at it sends a terror through us that chills our core. What will we find when we turn that phone over? When we listen to that voicemail? The demons that surround us at night all most makes us pray for daylight only to have the pattern repeat over and over again.
No event or special day is sheltered from the storm of our addicts. They can produce damage and debris in there wrath. They will turn happy moments that should be memories into nightmares. We are left in the wake to clean up and recover as much of ourselves as we can, but mostly we are shells of who we were vaguely going through the motions of normal life.
Our existence depends on their survival.
Here is the way we live — loving and hating.  Hoping and wishing one day, our lives will get better as they get sober and never giving up on seeing the sun again.

What have you done for yourself lately!!!  The first time someone asked me that you’d think they were speaking a foreign language to me. I don’t know what surprised me more the question or my silence.  I paused and thought and could not think of one thing to say back. Oh sure i could start listing all the things I was doing and managing for my addicts, but for myself my record was empty. I was embarrassed and shocked But that got me thinking. How could I not remember to do something for myself? How could so much time go by without me thinking of me? And why did it take someone else pointing that out to me for me to realize this?
Made me so sad to think my addict children had taken so much of me that I was no more than a passing thought in my own life.
How did I become so unimportant?
Since the first time I was asked this, I’ve been asked many more times and ive had to sit and analyze it honestly. I realized I had shifted in my feelings for myself. I have become second, sometimes not even. Once I downgraded my importance, it wasn’t hard to slip into codependency. I hadn’t realized how being their savior made me feel. How much I learned to depend on that title. It gave me my reason for being. The importance of my life became managing and fixing every catastrophe and event that my addicts found themselves into. My identity was so wrapped up in them; there was no me.
Its no wonder I could not answer that question. I was no more in touch with myself or my feelings than a stranger. And honestly, I was a stranger to myself. I had forgotten who I was.

The next several years have been about reconnecting with myself. The test of this has been hard. I’ve had to learn to let go of my sons to hold onto myself. To separate us so we could learn to survive independent of each other.  In doing that, I have started to see me again. I am not the same person I was when this journey began.
I am forever changed and in some cases, have transformed. Through all the anger, sadness, and despair, I have found the strength I would not have otherwise known I possessed.
I can now recognize beauty in my every day I would not have seen before. I have learned to appreciate my life again. I have acquired a respect for myself I would have never recognized previously.
Now when I’m asked what have I done for myself lately, I can proudly say I gave myself back to myself.  I am encouraged that I have finally done for myself what I hope to see for my sons.

To hang on, we must let go

Im so sorry i could’nt tough love you when you needed it. So sorry i followed you in thinking i was protecting you but in all honesty i only made you worse. Im so sorry when you got angry i got angrier. When you screamed i either shut down or yelled back. When you cried instead of telling you this would kill you, i told you it would all be ok. Im so sorry i told you id help you when i should have made you help yourself. Im so sorry i almost loved you to death.

Can you forgive my soul i sarificed for yours. The money i handed over to your cause. The time i gave to the disease. The tears i shed on behalf of you. The anger i spewed in place of you. The battle i fought without you. Can you forgive the weakness i showed when you needed strength. The hand up when you needed to reach farther. Can you forgive the life i surrendered for you.

Please dont judge me for being a friend when i should have been a parent. For trying to calm by joining the chaos. For hindering when i should have been healing. For trading comfort for brokenness. For allienating when i couldn’t empower. For sheltering when i should have stopped hiding.

Please love me for trying when i wanted to give up. For loving you when you hated me. For loving you in it instead of through it.  Please love me for just being your mom because i will always love you for just being my son!!!

To hang on I must let go

Never in a million years would I think id be ok letting my child hurt. This last relapse lead me to a realization that Its ok to let him hurt. That means he’s feeling and that leads to healing. Drugs cover up what they need to process. The guilt they need to accept. The anger they need to work through. This is where I went wrong with my sons. Preventing them from hurt robbed them of failing and then succeeding.

I was hurt as a kid and felt scared and alone. I was left to deal with and process situations with no direction… No guidance to healthy coping skills that I inadvertently taught my own. Avoidance and denial kept me safe, or so I thought. When my eating disorder reared its ugly head at 14 through adult hood I did not realize that was my drug. My best friend. It always saw me through. Helped me hold onto control. For years i granted authority to my eating disorder. When I was forced to let it go. I was lost, sad and felt like a part of me died. The part that could handle anything was gone. There was no place to hide anymore. No one I could lie to anymore. It was out in the open and everyone could see me….I was naked and for the first time my indivisibility that I had come to depend on had vanished.

It had a name finally. A reason for once. Questions answered and a plan to get through if id only go through the hurt. So when the enabling stopped I was forced to confront my demons. Look them in the eye and say “this was not ok” give myself permission to have a voice and not just be that submissive little girl anymore. It was ok to be angry and to be sad. To scream or cry. I was finally allowed to be validated. It was ok to let my best friend go. She had helped as much as she hindered but we had to part. She would kill me not just physically but emotionally and socially.

That process was the hardest I had ever went through. Had I  known the lessons learned could have prepared me for what I would go through with my own i could have given them what i needed so badly growing up. Safety isn’t always a hug. It isn’t always a kind word or someone being there to pick up the pieces. In the world were in its stepping back and allowing the hurt. When I was allowed to hurt I was given permission to heal. Recovery followed.

I will allow him to hurt now. Let him feel his way to recovery!!!

To hang on we must let go…

Whew!!! Clarity begins to set in as things settle down. Times I can breath are right now. knowing my baby is safe and clean. When he calls and I hear his voice not the addiction it brings tears to my eyes. Oh how much I have missed you!! Don’t ever leave us again is what I want to plead with him while he can hear me but I refrain and keep it simple “I love you”

Happiness and ease is what I hear in his voice. He is stable and clear. Can laugh with me and enjoy each other. Its these little glimpses that give me hope that he can and will overcome.

Anyone dealing with an addict knows that being clean is only the beginning of the fight. This content-ness with life will fade and old demons will surface and try to lead him back down the road to relapse. I do not take this lightly or fool myself into thinking he is safe from another attack. This is the time I have to recover and strengthen for the next battle. One where I can be an asset rather than a hinderance. I can clear my mind and process where we both went this time and why. How can I prevent myself from being drug into the sickness and stay the firm, loving example of what life can be he so needs?

When his behavior reflects years of addiction and his maturity is that of a child still how will I handle it? The selfishness, entitlement and ruthless-ness of this disease lasts far beyond the actual addiction. I will have to dig deep and stay strong in knowing my God has him and all I have to do is love him. Reminding myself that does not mean we wont suffer. Only means we wont alone.

God please with every cell in me. With every part of who I am. I am praying for recovery for my son and me!!! That we both learn to rely on you instead of this world and what it has to offer. That you will cover us both with your grace and mercy and see us through anymore that comes our way. God I ask that you help me help me!!! That as you heal my son, allow me forgiveness and walk with us both as we go through uncertain times ahead. Thank you for the small blessings that mean so much to a grieving heart. A smile, a word. A door opening where all were closed. Thank you for the changes needed to see us out of the darkness and for right now into the light. Thank you for my son!

To hang on we must let go…

 

Very early in my sons addiction I did not realize so many things. All the things I was doing was to make me feel better rather than helping them. It was easy to convince myself what I was doing was in their best interest but what I have learned now is that I could not stand them unhappy or me uncomfortable so I would enable. Accepting perception over peace. Addiction is a master deceiver, eating away at them from their souls, consuming all who love them at the same time.

Now years later I can look back and see what an easy target I was. Wanting to believe the best in my sons and in my misguided view of myself led me to believe I could handle this. I lied to myself that I could never be fooled. They could never lie or manipulate me. I thought our bond was stronger then the hold addiction had. I could not be more wrong.

Addiction is a chameleon. As soon as you see it, it changes form. Blends in as you turn a blind eye to the illusive signs. Assuming each time we had won it would resurface stronger. Every-time  we thought we had eradicated the disease it would turn into a lesson in deception. The delusion we had control.

I take non of that for granted now. I do not live with rose-colored glasses on anymore. I see my faults and my sons weaknesses and I rely on the only thing that I can. I do not trust my instinct or heart. I look for the duck!! Walks like a duck, acts like a duck, its a duck!!!

I ask God to guide me in what I cannot navigate. I pray he sees us through the storm and heals our lives. I ask for grace and mercy in the test and hope one day our testimony will move someone else in the same surge a little further along.

My realization I am only mom. I am not perfect. They are only my sons they are not flawless. We learn by failures and lessons by examples and my only hope would be to achieve enough to get by. One day I know we will beat the beast but only after all our failures have been realized and experiences justified.

To hang on we must let go…

 

.

When my oldest went to prison I thought I would never get through those 4 years. My first thought when I heard the feds got him was they just took our lives away I remember falling to my bed and immediately asking God why? Everything went blank. I was in shock and completely desperate. How was he? where was he? How could this happen. How could God forsake him?

A lot of praying and crying happened in the next few days. Holding on as tight as I could till I thought I would lose my grip. Then I received the only thing that would keep me strong. His voice “mom i’m ok”

In the coming weeks I got a sense of peace I cannot explain. It was as if I knew something before anyone else. Like God whispered in my ear ” don’t worry this will all be ok” it was such a strong feeling I could do nothing but trust it.  I would tell my sons during this time “no matter what  don’t let anyone or anything keep you down “always get back up”

Always get back up became our saving grace. We hung onto this moto with all we had… Rule 10!! became our lifeline to each other.  Every letter we ended with Rule 10! a constant reminder we would always stand back up. Nothing would keep us down or make us ashamed.

And so there we all went into 4 years of following him from county to county. Jail to jail. then prison. In every way God had us. Every step taken was in our favor although hard not to wonder how prison could be in our favor it was something I never questioned. There was always moments to be thankful for. Memories still being made. Growth and steps being taken to a better life. My son was the example to all of us on how to take a situation that could have been unbearable and handle it with grace. He showed me patience and strength. He never complained or felt sorry for himself. No matter how unfair what he went through was,  he took it as a lesson that enriched his life and taught him things he would not have learned otherwise. Made him appreciate what we take for granted and removed him from a world he was headed into that he maybe wouldn’t have made it out of. . He took him to save him. Out of that 4 years came a life he may have never had.

He stood up where most would fall. He is why we have Rule 10 today and I still follow it and think of it every time I want to fall down and not get back up!! When I pound my fist on the walls and cry in my pillow, I think of my son and God reminds me Rule 10!!! the example he gives me through his son is my very own son. In so many ways God used a familiar face to help me move on and move through one of the most painful  yet most enriching experiences of my life.

Today I am still facing painful experiences. I wonder why and when god will deliver us from this familiar demon but there in my darkness God is reminding me as I did mine those 4 years,  “always get back up” Rule 10!!!

To hang on we must let go!!!

 

 

 

 

EMOTIONS TODAY ARE LIKE WAVES OF ANGER AND FEAR FLOODING OVER ME. I WANT TO SCREAM AT HIM, SHAKE HIM SOMETHING SO HE SEES THE PAIN THIS CAUSES. ALL HE CAN RECOGNIZE IS HOW HE FEELS. WHAT HE GOES THROUGH. THAT’S THE SELFISHNESS OF ADDICTION. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. HANDLE WHATEVER THEY THROW AT US AND IF WE CRACK, SHOW ANY TYPE OF WEAKNESS OR BREAK IN OUR STRENGTH OR RESILENCE THEN WE ARE PLAYING THE VICTIM.

HOW IS THIS NORMAL? HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS? IM AT A POINT WHERE I SHAKE CONSTANTLY. ANY CALL OR MESSAGE ON MY PHONE SENDS ME INTO A PANIC. I CANNOT ENJOY LITTLE THINGS MOST TAKE FOR GRANTED. WHEN EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO HOME FROM ALONG DAY AND FEEL SAFE IN THE SECURITY OF THE LIFE THEY HAVE BUILT WE WHO DEAL WITH ADDICTS ARE QUIVERING AT THE NEXT IMPENDING CATASTROPHE. OUR BIGGEST PROBLEMS ARE NOT WHAT TO COOK FOR DINNER OR HOW DO WE GET THE CAR TO THE SHOP. WE ARE MAKING LIFE AND VERY LIKELY DEATH DECISIONS FOR US AND OUR ADDCITS. THERE IS NO RELIEF OR MOMENTS OF EASE.

I WALK AROUND ANGRY AT THE SUPERFICIAL CONCERNS OF OTHERS. THE NEED TO MAKE SIMPLE EVERYDAY TASKS PROBLEMS THAT TAKE UP MOST OF THE CONCERN FOR THAT DAY. WHO CAN PICK SO AND SO UP? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO THIS WEEKEND? IN MY HEAD WHICH IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE IM SCREAMING MY CHILD IS DYING, HOW DO I PLAN HIS FUNERAL.

IM HURT AT THE IGNORANT CONCEPT OF WHAT PEOPLE WHO DO NOT DEAL WITH THIS THINK OF US WHO DO AND HOW WE DEAL WITH IT. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO OR NOT DO TO SAVE YOUR CHILD. IS THERE A MANUEL FOR THIS? I GO TO WORK EVERYDAY PUT ON A SMILE AND TRY TO FUNCTION IN MY NON-FUNCTIONABLE LIFE. PRETEND IM OK AND LISTEN AS OTHERS THAT CAN LIVE THEIR LIVES WITH NO INTERUPTION OF DREAD OF IF THEIR CHILD WILL WAKE UP TODAY!?!?

SEE THAT’S JUST IT!!!! EVERY NORMAL TAKE FOR GRANTED EMOTION OR EVENT IN A SINGLE DAY WE DO NOT GET!!!! WE MUST CONSIDER IT COULD END ANY MOMENT. WE MUST LIVE IN COMPLETE DISTRESS THAT WHAT WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN WILL BE TAKEN AWAY. WE MUST ACCEPT WE MAY LOSE WHAT WE WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE. WE ARE NOT YOU IN YOUR PERFECT WORLD YET WE MUST LIVE IN IT. BE HELD UP TO THE SAME STANDARDS WITH CHAINS WRAPPED SO TIGHTLY AROUND US WE CANNOT MOVE. RELIABILITY IS NOT SARCIFICED BECAUSE WE ARE CRIPPLED BY OUR ADDICTS DEPENDANCY YET OUR RESOURCES ARE DEPLETED JUST TRYING TO KEEP THEM AFLOAT. IM ANGRY AND SAD I AM FIGHTING THIS FIGHT ALONE AND YET EXPECTED TO KEEP FIGHTING. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SAME RESPOSIBILITES AS OTHERS YET IM FACING THINGS THAT ATTACK MY WELL BEING TO BE ABLE TO DO SO.

I AM LIVING IN MY ADDICTS WORLD OF ADDICTION THAT A WORLD WON’T RECOGNIZE, RECTIFY OR TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE COMMON MENTALITY IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM SO IT DOESN’T EXIST.

THIS IS MY WORLD TODAY AND IM NOT ASKING YOU TO LIVE IN IT JUST BE SYMPATHETIC TO IT. FOR YOU TO MANGE YOUR DAY ALL YOU MUST DO IS GET UP. FOR US WHO DEAL WITH THIS IT IS SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO GET UP MANY TIMES IN A SINGLE DAY.

DO NOT DISMISS THIS AS OUR TRUTH SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU DREW THE LONGER STRAW. YOUR PITY IS NOT REQUIRED TO BE SYMPATHETIC BUT UNDERSTANDING IS.

FOR YOU TO HANG ON YOU JUST HANG ON FOR US WE HAVE TO LET GO!!

April 18th about 8:30 I will never forget. He never came out of bathroom. That’s what my mind keeps replaying. Walking in and seeing him standing gave me comfort. Obviously if he’s standing he’s ok right??? Wrong as I turned him a bit so I could see his face I knew he was anything but ok. Beautiful blue eyes rolled up in his head. Pale. Not responding to me. I shook him, screamed at him and he muttered I’m ok. Less than five mins later he was non responsive. Eyes rolled completely up in his head. Muscles rigid. Gurgling sounds and no breathing.

So many conversations with him about this flood my mind. How often we talked about what could happen and each time he dismissed it as if he was immune. Too smart to overdose but ignorant to the disease.

Breathing each moment of this in horror. I struggle to get any breath in him. Any sign he’s with me. This is it!!! This is what I’ve feared!! He’s overdosing. My baby is dying right in front of me. It was almost like I wasn’t even there. Going through the motions but not really feeling any of it. I can see myself frantic. Calling 911. Screaming do something. Are they coming?? Trying to copy what shes telling me to do. Counting with her and every second feels like and eternity. I’m terrified. “How much longer.???” she assures me there coming. “Hold on sweetie. Let’s help your son.” She’s so calm and I’m in a state of complete panic.

I can’t relax even as they take over. Even as he starts to recover I’m still in that moment. Despair, fear, anger all wrapped up in one big fury of emotions. 5 days later I’m still in that moment. Reliving it over and over again. Doesn’t matter he’s ok. My thoughts are not if but when this happens again.

My every cell weeps and aches for my son. Who he was. Will he ever be himself again? When will he see what this is. Where it leads? I am completely lost today like I’ve never been before. Not sure I can find my way out. Not sure I want to come out if it’s a world without him or to endure more of what this will surely bring if he does not start to value his life as much as I do.

I can only pray God takes the memories of this away. I expected to live the moment of my babies births but not there deaths and as I am thankful today he was spared I can still see him laying in front of me dying as clearly as I see him just after he was born.

God help me to let go so I can hang on!!!

Is there anything worse than a mothers broken heart? This week I have seen what’s worse.  Conceding my will and control over to God to save my son has been a lesson that has taken every part who I am. It’s not easy to admit defeat. For me its instant failure as a mom. Realizing I can’t save him. watching his life unravel bit by bit. Seeing him broken empty, numb. void of all life.

Every part of me aches for my baby boy and what he s going through. I would gladly give my life for him to have some sort of normalcy in this crazy existence. Would trade my soul for his even as sick as it is. I would face the devil to spare him this agony.

Guilt and shame over what I have done and what I couldn’t do will stay with me the rest of my life and yet I have to believe everything that has happened thus far is for a greater plan. As bad as it is for me maybe it has to be this bad for him to also concede and have faith in a bigger purpose. I can’t and wont accept this is what his life is supposed to be. Yet how do I step back? My fear holds me hostage of what could happen. Anxiety replays what already has.

Will my heart ever heal? Can it be repaired? If he can and if he does. I know im suppose to live my life. Focus on my happiness. Moments I can force a smile, tears are not far behind. There’s no genuine joy when your watching someone you love die slowly. Taking who they were and leaving you with what it discards. Mocking you, reminding you daily what you’ve lost. Laughing as you cry. Screaming as you cower. Beating you down as you try to stand. Looming over your life and his.

This journey as most are,  is tedious and exhausting. Taking all I have with it. I have to give myself over to God as I have my son and trust we will both surface anew.

To hang on we must let go (even for myself)

 

How do I live my life when my sons life is so messed up? How can I be happy when he is so miserable? Everyday is a struggle to separate my emotions from his. Give myself permission to stay in my present not his. Accept these consequences are not mine to suffer but his. Everyday I live in perpetual stress and drama. Some self induced but none the less it’s life altering trying to step out of this 3 ring circus that plays out daily.

Even when I tale myself out of the immediate chaos my mind still participates in the havoc. I can’t escape the questions. What if ? Should I ? Could I ?

Its as debilitating as the addiction itself. Deciding you’ve done all you can and have to take a step back is terrifying. Leaving him behind feels selfish. Putting trust in him that with me out of the way he’ll do the right things is horrifying. My conclusion loving him may mean losing him.

It’s complete torture to have to decide between your own sanity and there will. To hope they will make a right decision and wether they do or not you have to step back. I don’t know what could be worse. Putting there lives or yours in there sick hands.

Im struggling today. Screaming inside for him to hear me but staying silent in the face of his addiction. Hoping through my quiet he will hear his own voice whispering to fight.

To hang on we must let go!!

Why do I focus on my son’s addiction so much? As if that’s the only problem. Even if he got clean and figured out what he needs to do to live a sober life I would still have my problems within his addiction. Just because the addiction is absent doesn’t”t mean the effects of it is. In my struggle, it was my own problems that led me to be such an important asset to my boys in their addictions. It was my need to be the best parent and my illusion of what that looked like. I never wanted them to face anything alone because I did. I wanted them to always have me behind them, supporting them and somehow down the road I stepped in front and stop letting them handle therefore stopped them from learning how to. It was my NEED to be the fixer and my want to not ever see them suffer that helped contribute and make this disease what it is today. 

I now live with the guilt and fear of what I help create.

Today I am asking God to walk me through my own self realization and forgiveness.

Makes me angry that we do not focus on the secondary victims of drug addiction. We as parents often feel alone, isolated and misunderstood. In the beginning we are ignorant to the effect this can have on them and in denial of what it will do to us. We are confident we can fight this. Our love will FIX them. We will rally and it will be a learning experience of the pros of love and cons of drug use. As they progress our own progression into the world of codependency and enabling deepens. Just as they don’t we do not recognize the disease strengthening its hold. We are the silent soldiers fighting for their lives with no thought to ours as we slip farther away with them. We stop thinking about ourselves. We forget we exist. We hardly see us without them. Our survival becomes supporting their disease. Our lives take less and less meaning and they become the only thing that matters.

How did this happen? You ask yourself daily. You don’t realize the answer lies within you. It wasn’t your addict or the disease. It is our instinct to protect but when that need supersedes teaching, boundaries and sacrifices our own well being we have only added to the problem. We have become the difference in recovery and relapse.

We have to realize in our own way we suffer the same disease as them. We are addicted to them as they are the drug. The withdrawals are just as powerful as we watch them struggle and flounder. The relapse just as devastating as we give all to comfort and fix. We give up our world for theirs and we often lose relationships, finances and emotionally we become unavailable to ourselves. Angry and fragile to everyone else. We are suffering as bad or more than our child because there is no way for us to escape the torment.  We receive no moments of gratification or relief. Shame and guilt keep us silent. Fear holds us hostage.

This will not change until we start to value ourselves a much as we do our child. We must make ourselves a priority in order to make their recovery possible.  In that we have to see by keeping them comfortable in their disease we are damaging them in sobriety. We have to stop loving them to death!!!

We have to let them make choices to learn responsibility. Let them fall to learn to stand and let them see we value us in order to love them. TO HANG ON WE MUST LET GO!

I struggle daily with this and fight the urge to parent my child to death every second of everyday that he fights. I know I am not alone and in numbers we will break the silence of what addiction does not only to the addict but to the parents who suffer as much as they do. Together we can learn and they can recover but we must stop!!!

Hope can be a fleeting thing. One minute your up and looks like things are going good and the next your world is crashing in around you. It can literally go from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. I’ve seen my son praising me in one breath and cursing me in the next. I’m either supporting recovery or addiction. Sometimes that line bleeds into the other so you can hardly tell which side you’re on.  Neither is easy and both take a little more from me each time I’m faced with watching his agony or feeling my anguish. Its heart wrenching to see and more so to have to make a choice. My heart says don’t let him suffer my soul says there’s strength in the struggle. It crushes my spirit and makes me feel so unworthy of being a mom to watch my child go through something I should be able to protect him from.

My hope never dies that he will succeed in this but watching him in his hopelessness makes me feel so useless. We soldier on in so many of our kids’ battles why is he left to fight this one alone? His presence in my world is fading. I only have glimpses of him passing through. Everything about him says he has no hope. His eyes tell me he’s empty. His body shows me he’s barely hanging on.  He’s slipping away and disappearing right in front of me and all I can do is have hope. Up’s and down’s are a devastating part of addiction. with no real coping skills the downs outweigh the ups. Its almost easier to accept addiction will always be a part of our lives than not.

Hope is the evidence of faith. Faith is an affirmation of love.

 

Why is the quiet so loud? why when things are relatively ok do I expect the worst at any moment. Why is the chaos more comfortable than the peaceful? I am learning to enjoy these times of tranquility.

I’m sitting here in a good place. For the moment I am in calm waters. I know a storm is headed our way any moment with the impending charges against my son has but right now all is still. Maybe its the knowing its coming that has relaxed our minds in a sense. Although hanging over our heads it’s not hidden.  He is living the best he can within what his addiction allows and I am letting him do that. Nothing in the shadows lurking gives us a spotlight to focus on.

I’ve been able to grab and hold onto some happy moments. Moments that I was even able to smile and be grateful for. I’ve been able to let go and pause to see will it all crash around me? For the most part it has sustained. Is this evidence of a happy life coming? Proof he doesn’t need me? is it verification he and I can function separately?

I think it’s a test like all things in life. Like when he learned to walk. Stumbling and falling till he was strong enough to stand alone. For me waiting and allowing him to struggle till he could reach his destination without me.  Always patient and determined to do it, he managed with little interference from me Tenacity goes a long way. He enjoyed his quiet time then.  It was observation, ability and reflection.. Today we are in that same pattern. The rhythm of self-reliance.

We are in quiet time. Restoring our faith. Nourishing our souls. When the shoe falls and the upheaval starts we will be ready and endure for this is what gives us the strength needed to withstand the next journey of his addiction.

I am grateful for the quiet no matter how deafening it is, it is proof there is progress.

 

Choices are not always so clear when your dealing with a loved ones addiction. Whether to help or not help and what kind of help is appropriate? Most of the time we don’t know where to start. What is the first step? Lots of times we have tried everything over and over only to fail and they return to what they know.

So how do we help? You obviously try rehab first. Unfortunately rehab are limited. It’s a lot of intense therapy, group sessions, parent meetings , detox all pushed into a short amount of time. If your lucky you may get the full 30 days of treatment. Although most insurance wont allow that. So your fight starts there. A couple of weeks in and you start to see the difference in your baby and you start to have some hope. They promise this is it. They will never go back to using and you enter into a false sense of security that you have beat the beast. This will all be behind you and your family and you can go back to the happy life you once enjoyed.

Upon completion of rehab they are instructed to keep up the good work. 90 meetings in 90 days. Counseling. intensive out-patient treatment and at first all seems to be going well. Then you start to see small slips. A meeting missed here and there. Withdrawing, same circle of friends calling.  Warning flags of tale-tale signs are back. You try to ignore it thinking paranoia has the better of you  but then there’s no mistaken the bottom falls out and once again you are facing addiction head on. Full blown and this time he doesn’t want to go to rehab because “it doesn’t work”  He blames everyone but himself and of course he “can beat this”. Your back to despair. What choices do you have when your baby is clearly made the choice to go back to this life? Well first realize it ceased to be a choice the moment he relapsed. Addiction takes hold from the first second they succumb to the want. It goes from want to need in one swift decision.

What are your choices as the parent. You can try to force, plead, beg, detach with anger, and ultimately detach with love hoping that now that they are calling the shots, responsible for themselves they will hit rock bottom and want their life back. Looking back you realize that the relapsed happened way before they physically slipped. The moment their mind started to shift they were on their way. The moment they listened to the old voices they stopped hearing you. Once addiction held them close you were pushed away. No amount of reasoning or threatening will work. So again where are your choices?

I have figured out that everyday I choose to love my son regardless of this addiction. I choose to support my son with understanding despite the constant disrespect. I choose to have hope when he has no faith. I choose to be patient when he is intolerant. I choose each and everyday to not let this addiction win the one thing I can control and that is my undying tenacity to fight as long as I have to for my son.  I will not let his choices take mine. I wont let his effect mine and I wont stop having them because he is held so tightly by his.

I hope in time my son will choose a better life but for now while he fights  I choose to fight with him!

 

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Most every day I feel like I’m just dipping my toes in the water. Testing how my day feels as each minute passes. Some days with little interruption of events or my thoughts I’m comfortable, not hot, not cold but more times than not I am feeling the heat of my sons addiction and the coldness of my life due to it.

If I could test the waters each day and be prepared for anything that may pull me under I could sustain and calm my soul before any waves of emotion flood over me. I could just let God walk me through the swell and lead me through all that pushes me back or Holds me under maybe I could stop my son from drowning.

If I could test the waters each day and prepare for each wave as it hits I could stop putting my wall up and my mask on so I can continue my day. Not letting on to the thoughts and emotions circling in my head. Or chaos going on in my life until I explode over some unrelated issue.

If I could test the waters each day I would see that each day is a small step out of the rain Each step is on dryer ground. And dryer ground is a firmer foundation and where your foundation is strong you can build a sturdy structure that can withstand the next storm.

I have been working on detaching for 3 years now.  Being a complete co-dependent mess if I can step away at all that is real progress for me. In the beginning my only way to pull away was to be angry. I could unleash my anger and frustration and walk away with no guilt. I would be so proud of myself thinking I had made such progress but within a day or two (if that) I would be right back in the middle of another storm.

It took very little to coax me back in. Any cry for help would send my motherly instinct into high gear and unfortunately my addict knew that too. Rushing in and saving the day for momentary relief was a gift of mine. I could handle any situation and fix any problem and my addict son would be happy and id be able to breathe. Then the hamster wheel would start again. He would get into trouble. I would fix. He would be ok (for awhile) and round and round we’d go. This has been repeated for the last ten years. The insanity of this is I never recognized this pattern or my role in it.  I never saw this was only temporarily fixing my discomfort not his illness.  That any reprieve from the craziness of the day in day out was only aiding in his addiction gaining a tighter hold. He never learned consequences of his falls and I learn to band-aid all of his problems so I could stop the hurting. Wounds so open and painful neglecting the real treatment we were (and in some ways still are) running that maze. No direction or maps to follow, aimlessly scrambling around trying to find our way out.

It was not until the last year or so that I started to see what I was really doing. To him and myself . How could I not be there for my addict when he needed me most I repeated this often and was what kept me going but now I was starting to ask a different question. How can I be there for my son when he needs me the most and the answer is quite different. Its obvious now that the only way I can be there for my son is to not be there for the addict. To not Fix! To Not control!

To detach looks very different to me now, and it doesn’t follow anger. Its preceded by love for myself and him. Realizing that allowing myself to sit in my discomfort and him to sit in his means opportunities for development. For each of us to govern our own decisions and therefore consequences we would actually attain comfort and peace in knowing we have the control over our individual lives and what those can look like. We dictate our destination and not just the journey.

I have to detach every minute of every day to accept who i am,  not protect the addict but love my son and to respect the difference. Until you are looking at each as individual entities you will not be able to hold everyone together. As I’ve said before to hang on you must let go!!

 

 

 

 

Statistics are 600-1000 people daily are getting addicted to drugs. 100 overdoses daily and every 19 minutes someone dies. Chances are you have seen, known or are an addict. Your my son, daughter, father, mother you maybe me! Safe to say when you look into a crowd you are seeing people who are fighting, submitting or about to lose their battle. Most people who are not in that 600-100 or are not the family, are one those living in a glass house that can easily be broken.  Non the less they can hide behind the sheer luck they are not affected by this terrible disease but for those of us that deal on any level with this beast daily you know it’s a life you don’t want. Not only the addict hates the disease and themselves but for us who stand in the shadows or maybe you have stepped out and are right there holding them up keeping them from falling you are suffering as much as them. You cry, plead, negotiate, offer your life for theirs if only they will be sparred.

From one day to the next is the same agonizing cycle of events. Addiction takes you and them to the brink of what you can handle.  Hearing my son say “if I can’t hold on mom I know you’ll understand as though he’s asking permission to end his suffering, How do i convey strong enough to him that this is not just his life but mine also. His heart beats mine beats in unison. That his pain is my guilt and his struggle my burden. I want to scream to him you are not just an addict you are my son. You are not this disease you are a soul. Gods creation not the devils bidder. How can I make him see what beauty there is underneath where I know he still lives. How can I reach through his pain and help him find the acceptance and faith I have in him. The unconditional love that can break down those walls of feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated.

Sadly for an addict the amount of love you have does not rid them of this and often they will find a way to allow it to actually aid in it. The average addict will relapse ten times before reaching sobriety and maintaining it is where the work really begins. If they become complacent recovery wont last long. Diligence in finding what works for them is the key to long-lasting success. The family of the addict has a crucial role in helping them maintain their goals and often we need as much help as they do. Our focus has to shift to ourselves so our actions support recovery not addiction. My son is one of the 600-1000 affected by drug abuse and he has been one of the hundred who has overdosed but I pray to my God he is not one of the 19 that every minute die. I will be one of the million moms to do whatever It takes to save my son… because I wont let him be one of the sad stories. One of the examples of what could happen. I wont allow him to be just a statistic!

 

When a pilot cannot see through the clouds and turbulence is jarring the plane up and down, side to side, the pilot must have the knowledge to guide the vessel to a calmer altitude. He must depend on his instruments to show him what is the safest approach to delivering his passengers to their destination. sitting in that holding pattern waiting for the storm to pass and skies to clear.

Lately I find myself in that same holding pattern with my sons addiction. Being constantly jerked here and there, not able to move forward and can’t go back. Torn between loving and hating. Saving him or letting him fall. If my love as his mother was the key he would be in sobriety today. So what is the saving grace? If I turn my back will he wake up? If I cease to put on his oxygen mask will I suffocate too? Paralyzed by the effects of this storm I fear the what if’s.

Most days I sit and wonder what did I do? I beg God for strength through faith to withstand my son shattering his life. To give me understanding of the purpose of this suffering that as a family we must endure. Why give him life to have it taken by this disease?

My only solace is that through grief we gain strength and that my son will wake up and want to reclaim his life and therefore we can start living again. So I carry on and sit in silence. I quiet my mind and steady my soul. Slowing down enough to gain some perspective and patience as we wade through. Allowing the clouds to part before progressing may show a clearer path. Staying in that holding pattern of restraint may force a solution otherwise not seen and so I hold on… grateful for the clarity of the holding pattern in his addiction waiting for sobriety to shine through the darkness of the storm knowing what is promised is sunshine after the rain.