Admitting you are a part of your child’s drug addiction is a hard pill to swallow. I remember the moment this realization hit me. It didn’t come all at once. It was bits and pieces revealing itself. Slowly showing me the cycle we were in and why nothing was changing. I did not understand that through all of my “help,” I was hurting them.
Watching my youngest struggle and so effortlessly I walked right into his world its no wonder I didn’t see anything till we were both tumbling head first in the rabbit hole.
People would try to save me. Try giving me advice. Make suggestions. Do this. Stop doing that. I could never take the advice and use it. I would smile and walk away angry. How could people who do not deal with addiction have the faintest idea of what I should or should not be doing? I felt judged and looked down on because of the struggles of my child. Others assume his fall into drugs must have something to do with how he was raised. Some step we obviously missed. Something we should have done differently.
I began to judge other parents for not having to deal with these issues with their kids, yet they have an opinion about mine.
I became angry and bitter. Resentful of the “normal” lives they must have.
Then the thought hit me….what if the only difference in them and I is I was able to admit my faults and mistakes. I can see what I did wrong. Maybe as parents of addicts, we do not have the luxury to live in our perfect world. For us to turn a blind eye may mean life or death. Where other parents can casually walk by we are held steadfast in place by the detrimental effects of addiction. Our problems are not a quick fix.  This is not a problem we can afford to ignore because they are uncomfortable. We have to look at all the moving parts, even if that’s us!
I have concluded that this requires us to be anything that goes against what we think a mother is. At least what my idea of a mother is. What kind of mother I had to be once I put down my armor of the “perfect mother” I was raised to be.

Often ask God why, and I think I got my answer. My child had no choice in being an addict. It takes a special kind of person to parent one.  God choose me! God gave me more than I could handle so I would choose him and through him I am exactly what my son needs to choose life.

To hang on we must let go..