Never in a million years would I think id be ok letting my child hurt. This last relapse lead me to a realization that Its ok to let him hurt. That means he’s feeling and that leads to healing. Drugs cover up what they need to process. The guilt they need to accept. The anger they need to work through. This is where I went wrong with my sons. Preventing them from hurt robbed them of failing and then succeeding.

I was hurt as a kid and felt scared and alone. I was left to deal with and process situations with no direction… No guidance to healthy coping skills that I inadvertently taught my own. Avoidance and denial kept me safe, or so I thought. When my eating disorder reared its ugly head at 14 through adult hood I did not realize that was my drug. My best friend. It always saw me through. Helped me hold onto control. For years i granted authority to my eating disorder. When I was forced to let it go. I was lost, sad and felt like a part of me died. The part that could handle anything was gone. There was no place to hide anymore. No one I could lie to anymore. It was out in the open and everyone could see me….I was naked and for the first time my indivisibility that I had come to depend on had vanished.

It had a name finally. A reason for once. Questions answered and a plan to get through if id only go through the hurt. So when the enabling stopped I was forced to confront my demons. Look them in the eye and say “this was not ok” give myself permission to have a voice and not just be that submissive little girl anymore. It was ok to be angry and to be sad. To scream or cry. I was finally allowed to be validated. It was ok to let my best friend go. She had helped as much as she hindered but we had to part. She would kill me not just physically but emotionally and socially.

That process was the hardest I had ever went through. Had I  known the lessons learned could have prepared me for what I would go through with my own i could have given them what i needed so badly growing up. Safety isn’t always a hug. It isn’t always a kind word or someone being there to pick up the pieces. In the world were in its stepping back and allowing the hurt. When I was allowed to hurt I was given permission to heal. Recovery followed.

I will allow him to hurt now. Let him feel his way to recovery!!!

To hang on we must let go…