Whew!!! Clarity begins to set in as things settle down. Times I can breath are right now. knowing my baby is safe and clean. When he calls and I hear his voice not the addiction it brings tears to my eyes. Oh how much I have missed you!! Don’t ever leave us again is what I want to plead with him while he can hear me but I refrain and keep it simple “I love you”
Happiness and ease is what I hear in his voice. He is stable and clear. Can laugh with me and enjoy each other. Its these little glimpses that give me hope that he can and will overcome.
Anyone dealing with an addict knows that being clean is only the beginning of the fight. This content-ness with life will fade and old demons will surface and try to lead him back down the road to relapse. I do not take this lightly or fool myself into thinking he is safe from another attack. This is the time I have to recover and strengthen for the next battle. One where I can be an asset rather than a hinderance. I can clear my mind and process where we both went this time and why. How can I prevent myself from being drug into the sickness and stay the firm, loving example of what life can be he so needs?
When his behavior reflects years of addiction and his maturity is that of a child still how will I handle it? The selfishness, entitlement and ruthless-ness of this disease lasts far beyond the actual addiction. I will have to dig deep and stay strong in knowing my God has him and all I have to do is love him. Reminding myself that does not mean we wont suffer. Only means we wont alone.
God please with every cell in me. With every part of who I am. I am praying for recovery for my son and me!!! That we both learn to rely on you instead of this world and what it has to offer. That you will cover us both with your grace and mercy and see us through anymore that comes our way. God I ask that you help me help me!!! That as you heal my son, allow me forgiveness and walk with us both as we go through uncertain times ahead. Thank you for the small blessings that mean so much to a grieving heart. A smile, a word. A door opening where all were closed. Thank you for the changes needed to see us out of the darkness and for right now into the light. Thank you for my son!
To hang on we must let go…