Inside Rock Bottom

Very early in my sons addiction I did not realize so many things. All the things I was doing was to make me feel better rather than helping them. It was easy to convince myself what I was doing was in their best interest but what I have learned now is that I could not stand them unhappy or me uncomfortable so I would enable. Accepting perception over peace. Addiction is a master deceiver, eating away at them from their souls, consuming all who love them at the same time.

Now years later I can look back and see what an easy target I was. Wanting to believe the best in my sons and in my misguided view of myself led me to believe I could handle this. I lied to myself that I could never be fooled. They could never lie or manipulate me. I thought our bond was stronger then the hold addiction had. I could not be more wrong.

Addiction is a chameleon. As soon as you see it, it changes form. Blends in as you turn a blind eye to the illusive signs. Assuming each time we had won it would resurface stronger. Every-time  we thought we had eradicated the disease it would turn into a lesson in deception. The delusion we had control.

I take non of that for granted now. I do not live with rose-colored glasses on anymore. I see my faults and my sons weaknesses and I rely on the only thing that I can. I do not trust my instinct or heart. I look for the duck!! Walks like a duck, acts like a duck, its a duck!!!

I ask God to guide me in what I cannot navigate. I pray he sees us through the storm and heals our lives. I ask for grace and mercy in the test and hope one day our testimony will move someone else in the same surge a little further along.

My realization I am only mom. I am not perfect. They are only my sons they are not flawless. We learn by failures and lessons by examples and my only hope would be to achieve enough to get by. One day I know we will beat the beast but only after all our failures have been realized and experiences justified.

To hang on we must let go…

 

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When my oldest went to prison I thought I would never get through those 4 years. My first thought when I heard the feds got him was they just took our lives away I remember falling to my bed and immediately asking God why? Everything went blank. I was in shock and completely desperate. How was he? where was he? How could this happen. How could God forsake him?

A lot of praying and crying happened in the next few days. Holding on as tight as I could till I thought I would lose my grip. Then I received the only thing that would keep me strong. His voice “mom i’m ok”

In the coming weeks I got a sense of peace I cannot explain. It was as if I knew something before anyone else. Like God whispered in my ear ” don’t worry this will all be ok” it was such a strong feeling I could do nothing but trust it.  I would tell my sons during this time “no matter what  don’t let anyone or anything keep you down “always get back up”

Always get back up became our saving grace. We hung onto this moto with all we had… Rule 10!! became our lifeline to each other.  Every letter we ended with Rule 10! a constant reminder we would always stand back up. Nothing would keep us down or make us ashamed.

And so there we all went into 4 years of following him from county to county. Jail to jail. then prison. In every way God had us. Every step taken was in our favor although hard not to wonder how prison could be in our favor it was something I never questioned. There was always moments to be thankful for. Memories still being made. Growth and steps being taken to a better life. My son was the example to all of us on how to take a situation that could have been unbearable and handle it with grace. He showed me patience and strength. He never complained or felt sorry for himself. No matter how unfair what he went through was,  he took it as a lesson that enriched his life and taught him things he would not have learned otherwise. Made him appreciate what we take for granted and removed him from a world he was headed into that he maybe wouldn’t have made it out of. . He took him to save him. Out of that 4 years came a life he may have never had.

He stood up where most would fall. He is why we have Rule 10 today and I still follow it and think of it every time I want to fall down and not get back up!! When I pound my fist on the walls and cry in my pillow, I think of my son and God reminds me Rule 10!!! the example he gives me through his son is my very own son. In so many ways God used a familiar face to help me move on and move through one of the most painful  yet most enriching experiences of my life.

Today I am still facing painful experiences. I wonder why and when god will deliver us from this familiar demon but there in my darkness God is reminding me as I did mine those 4 years,  “always get back up” Rule 10!!!

To hang on we must let go!!!

 

 

 

 

EMOTIONS TODAY ARE LIKE WAVES OF ANGER AND FEAR FLOODING OVER ME. I WANT TO SCREAM AT HIM, SHAKE HIM SOMETHING SO HE SEES THE PAIN THIS CAUSES. ALL HE CAN RECOGNIZE IS HOW HE FEELS. WHAT HE GOES THROUGH. THAT’S THE SELFISHNESS OF ADDICTION. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. HANDLE WHATEVER THEY THROW AT US AND IF WE CRACK, SHOW ANY TYPE OF WEAKNESS OR BREAK IN OUR STRENGTH OR RESILENCE THEN WE ARE PLAYING THE VICTIM.

HOW IS THIS NORMAL? HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS? IM AT A POINT WHERE I SHAKE CONSTANTLY. ANY CALL OR MESSAGE ON MY PHONE SENDS ME INTO A PANIC. I CANNOT ENJOY LITTLE THINGS MOST TAKE FOR GRANTED. WHEN EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO HOME FROM ALONG DAY AND FEEL SAFE IN THE SECURITY OF THE LIFE THEY HAVE BUILT WE WHO DEAL WITH ADDICTS ARE QUIVERING AT THE NEXT IMPENDING CATASTROPHE. OUR BIGGEST PROBLEMS ARE NOT WHAT TO COOK FOR DINNER OR HOW DO WE GET THE CAR TO THE SHOP. WE ARE MAKING LIFE AND VERY LIKELY DEATH DECISIONS FOR US AND OUR ADDCITS. THERE IS NO RELIEF OR MOMENTS OF EASE.

I WALK AROUND ANGRY AT THE SUPERFICIAL CONCERNS OF OTHERS. THE NEED TO MAKE SIMPLE EVERYDAY TASKS PROBLEMS THAT TAKE UP MOST OF THE CONCERN FOR THAT DAY. WHO CAN PICK SO AND SO UP? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO THIS WEEKEND? IN MY HEAD WHICH IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE IM SCREAMING MY CHILD IS DYING, HOW DO I PLAN HIS FUNERAL.

IM HURT AT THE IGNORANT CONCEPT OF WHAT PEOPLE WHO DO NOT DEAL WITH THIS THINK OF US WHO DO AND HOW WE DEAL WITH IT. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO OR NOT DO TO SAVE YOUR CHILD. IS THERE A MANUEL FOR THIS? I GO TO WORK EVERYDAY PUT ON A SMILE AND TRY TO FUNCTION IN MY NON-FUNCTIONABLE LIFE. PRETEND IM OK AND LISTEN AS OTHERS THAT CAN LIVE THEIR LIVES WITH NO INTERUPTION OF DREAD OF IF THEIR CHILD WILL WAKE UP TODAY!?!?

SEE THAT’S JUST IT!!!! EVERY NORMAL TAKE FOR GRANTED EMOTION OR EVENT IN A SINGLE DAY WE DO NOT GET!!!! WE MUST CONSIDER IT COULD END ANY MOMENT. WE MUST LIVE IN COMPLETE DISTRESS THAT WHAT WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN WILL BE TAKEN AWAY. WE MUST ACCEPT WE MAY LOSE WHAT WE WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE. WE ARE NOT YOU IN YOUR PERFECT WORLD YET WE MUST LIVE IN IT. BE HELD UP TO THE SAME STANDARDS WITH CHAINS WRAPPED SO TIGHTLY AROUND US WE CANNOT MOVE. RELIABILITY IS NOT SARCIFICED BECAUSE WE ARE CRIPPLED BY OUR ADDICTS DEPENDANCY YET OUR RESOURCES ARE DEPLETED JUST TRYING TO KEEP THEM AFLOAT. IM ANGRY AND SAD I AM FIGHTING THIS FIGHT ALONE AND YET EXPECTED TO KEEP FIGHTING. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SAME RESPOSIBILITES AS OTHERS YET IM FACING THINGS THAT ATTACK MY WELL BEING TO BE ABLE TO DO SO.

I AM LIVING IN MY ADDICTS WORLD OF ADDICTION THAT A WORLD WON’T RECOGNIZE, RECTIFY OR TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE COMMON MENTALITY IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM SO IT DOESN’T EXIST.

THIS IS MY WORLD TODAY AND IM NOT ASKING YOU TO LIVE IN IT JUST BE SYMPATHETIC TO IT. FOR YOU TO MANGE YOUR DAY ALL YOU MUST DO IS GET UP. FOR US WHO DEAL WITH THIS IT IS SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO GET UP MANY TIMES IN A SINGLE DAY.

DO NOT DISMISS THIS AS OUR TRUTH SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU DREW THE LONGER STRAW. YOUR PITY IS NOT REQUIRED TO BE SYMPATHETIC BUT UNDERSTANDING IS.

FOR YOU TO HANG ON YOU JUST HANG ON FOR US WE HAVE TO LET GO!!

April 18th about 8:30 I will never forget. He never came out of bathroom. That’s what my mind keeps replaying. Walking in and seeing him standing gave me comfort. Obviously if he’s standing he’s ok right??? Wrong as I turned him a bit so I could see his face I knew he was anything but ok. Beautiful blue eyes rolled up in his head. Pale. Not responding to me. I shook him, screamed at him and he muttered I’m ok. Less than five mins later he was non responsive. Eyes rolled completely up in his head. Muscles rigid. Gurgling sounds and no breathing.

So many conversations with him about this flood my mind. How often we talked about what could happen and each time he dismissed it as if he was immune. Too smart to overdose but ignorant to the disease.

Breathing each moment of this in horror. I struggle to get any breath in him. Any sign he’s with me. This is it!!! This is what I’ve feared!! He’s overdosing. My baby is dying right in front of me. It was almost like I wasn’t even there. Going through the motions but not really feeling any of it. I can see myself frantic. Calling 911. Screaming do something. Are they coming?? Trying to copy what shes telling me to do. Counting with her and every second feels like and eternity. I’m terrified. “How much longer.???” she assures me there coming. “Hold on sweetie. Let’s help your son.” She’s so calm and I’m in a state of complete panic.

I can’t relax even as they take over. Even as he starts to recover I’m still in that moment. Despair, fear, anger all wrapped up in one big fury of emotions. 5 days later I’m still in that moment. Reliving it over and over again. Doesn’t matter he’s ok. My thoughts are not if but when this happens again.

My every cell weeps and aches for my son. Who he was. Will he ever be himself again? When will he see what this is. Where it leads? I am completely lost today like I’ve never been before. Not sure I can find my way out. Not sure I want to come out if it’s a world without him or to endure more of what this will surely bring if he does not start to value his life as much as I do.

I can only pray God takes the memories of this away. I expected to live the moment of my babies births but not there deaths and as I am thankful today he was spared I can still see him laying in front of me dying as clearly as I see him just after he was born.

God help me to let go so I can hang on!!!

Is there anything worse than a mothers broken heart? This week I have seen what’s worse.  Conceding my will and control over to God to save my son has been a lesson that has taken every part who I am. It’s not easy to admit defeat. For me its instant failure as a mom. Realizing I can’t save him. watching his life unravel bit by bit. Seeing him broken empty, numb. void of all life.

Every part of me aches for my baby boy and what he s going through. I would gladly give my life for him to have some sort of normalcy in this crazy existence. Would trade my soul for his even as sick as it is. I would face the devil to spare him this agony.

Guilt and shame over what I have done and what I couldn’t do will stay with me the rest of my life and yet I have to believe everything that has happened thus far is for a greater plan. As bad as it is for me maybe it has to be this bad for him to also concede and have faith in a bigger purpose. I can’t and wont accept this is what his life is supposed to be. Yet how do I step back? My fear holds me hostage of what could happen. Anxiety replays what already has.

Will my heart ever heal? Can it be repaired? If he can and if he does. I know im suppose to live my life. Focus on my happiness. Moments I can force a smile, tears are not far behind. There’s no genuine joy when your watching someone you love die slowly. Taking who they were and leaving you with what it discards. Mocking you, reminding you daily what you’ve lost. Laughing as you cry. Screaming as you cower. Beating you down as you try to stand. Looming over your life and his.

This journey as most are,  is tedious and exhausting. Taking all I have with it. I have to give myself over to God as I have my son and trust we will both surface anew.

To hang on we must let go (even for myself)

 

How do I live my life when my sons life is so messed up? How can I be happy when he is so miserable? Everyday is a struggle to separate my emotions from his. Give myself permission to stay in my present not his. Accept these consequences are not mine to suffer but his. Everyday I live in perpetual stress and drama. Some self induced but none the less it’s life altering trying to step out of this 3 ring circus that plays out daily.

Even when I tale myself out of the immediate chaos my mind still participates in the havoc. I can’t escape the questions. What if ? Should I ? Could I ?

Its as debilitating as the addiction itself. Deciding you’ve done all you can and have to take a step back is terrifying. Leaving him behind feels selfish. Putting trust in him that with me out of the way he’ll do the right things is horrifying. My conclusion loving him may mean losing him.

It’s complete torture to have to decide between your own sanity and there will. To hope they will make a right decision and wether they do or not you have to step back. I don’t know what could be worse. Putting there lives or yours in there sick hands.

Im struggling today. Screaming inside for him to hear me but staying silent in the face of his addiction. Hoping through my quiet he will hear his own voice whispering to fight.

To hang on we must let go!!

Why do I focus on my son’s addiction so much? As if that’s the only problem. Even if he got clean and figured out what he needs to do to live a sober life I would still have my problems within his addiction. Just because the addiction is absent doesn’t”t mean the effects of it is. In my struggle, it was my own problems that led me to be such an important asset to my boys in their addictions. It was my need to be the best parent and my illusion of what that looked like. I never wanted them to face anything alone because I did. I wanted them to always have me behind them, supporting them and somehow down the road I stepped in front and stop letting them handle therefore stopped them from learning how to. It was my NEED to be the fixer and my want to not ever see them suffer that helped contribute and make this disease what it is today. 

I now live with the guilt and fear of what I help create.

Today I am asking God to walk me through my own self realization and forgiveness.

Makes me angry that we do not focus on the secondary victims of drug addiction. We as parents often feel alone, isolated and misunderstood. In the beginning we are ignorant to the effect this can have on them and in denial of what it will do to us. We are confident we can fight this. Our love will FIX them. We will rally and it will be a learning experience of the pros of love and cons of drug use. As they progress our own progression into the world of codependency and enabling deepens. Just as they don’t we do not recognize the disease strengthening its hold. We are the silent soldiers fighting for their lives with no thought to ours as we slip farther away with them. We stop thinking about ourselves. We forget we exist. We hardly see us without them. Our survival becomes supporting their disease. Our lives take less and less meaning and they become the only thing that matters.

How did this happen? You ask yourself daily. You don’t realize the answer lies within you. It wasn’t your addict or the disease. It is our instinct to protect but when that need supersedes teaching, boundaries and sacrifices our own well being we have only added to the problem. We have become the difference in recovery and relapse.

We have to realize in our own way we suffer the same disease as them. We are addicted to them as they are the drug. The withdrawals are just as powerful as we watch them struggle and flounder. The relapse just as devastating as we give all to comfort and fix. We give up our world for theirs and we often lose relationships, finances and emotionally we become unavailable to ourselves. Angry and fragile to everyone else. We are suffering as bad or more than our child because there is no way for us to escape the torment.  We receive no moments of gratification or relief. Shame and guilt keep us silent. Fear holds us hostage.

This will not change until we start to value ourselves a much as we do our child. We must make ourselves a priority in order to make their recovery possible.  In that we have to see by keeping them comfortable in their disease we are damaging them in sobriety. We have to stop loving them to death!!!

We have to let them make choices to learn responsibility. Let them fall to learn to stand and let them see we value us in order to love them. TO HANG ON WE MUST LET GO!

I struggle daily with this and fight the urge to parent my child to death every second of everyday that he fights. I know I am not alone and in numbers we will break the silence of what addiction does not only to the addict but to the parents who suffer as much as they do. Together we can learn and they can recover but we must stop!!!

Hope can be a fleeting thing. One minute your up and looks like things are going good and the next your world is crashing in around you. It can literally go from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. I’ve seen my son praising me in one breath and cursing me in the next. I’m either supporting recovery or addiction. Sometimes that line bleeds into the other so you can hardly tell which side you’re on.  Neither is easy and both take a little more from me each time I’m faced with watching his agony or feeling my anguish. Its heart wrenching to see and more so to have to make a choice. My heart says don’t let him suffer my soul says there’s strength in the struggle. It crushes my spirit and makes me feel so unworthy of being a mom to watch my child go through something I should be able to protect him from.

My hope never dies that he will succeed in this but watching him in his hopelessness makes me feel so useless. We soldier on in so many of our kids’ battles why is he left to fight this one alone? His presence in my world is fading. I only have glimpses of him passing through. Everything about him says he has no hope. His eyes tell me he’s empty. His body shows me he’s barely hanging on.  He’s slipping away and disappearing right in front of me and all I can do is have hope. Up’s and down’s are a devastating part of addiction. with no real coping skills the downs outweigh the ups. Its almost easier to accept addiction will always be a part of our lives than not.

Hope is the evidence of faith. Faith is an affirmation of love.

 

Why is the quiet so loud? why when things are relatively ok do I expect the worst at any moment. Why is the chaos more comfortable than the peaceful? I am learning to enjoy these times of tranquility.

I’m sitting here in a good place. For the moment I am in calm waters. I know a storm is headed our way any moment with the impending charges against my son has but right now all is still. Maybe its the knowing its coming that has relaxed our minds in a sense. Although hanging over our heads it’s not hidden.  He is living the best he can within what his addiction allows and I am letting him do that. Nothing in the shadows lurking gives us a spotlight to focus on.

I’ve been able to grab and hold onto some happy moments. Moments that I was even able to smile and be grateful for. I’ve been able to let go and pause to see will it all crash around me? For the most part it has sustained. Is this evidence of a happy life coming? Proof he doesn’t need me? is it verification he and I can function separately?

I think it’s a test like all things in life. Like when he learned to walk. Stumbling and falling till he was strong enough to stand alone. For me waiting and allowing him to struggle till he could reach his destination without me.  Always patient and determined to do it, he managed with little interference from me Tenacity goes a long way. He enjoyed his quiet time then.  It was observation, ability and reflection.. Today we are in that same pattern. The rhythm of self-reliance.

We are in quiet time. Restoring our faith. Nourishing our souls. When the shoe falls and the upheaval starts we will be ready and endure for this is what gives us the strength needed to withstand the next journey of his addiction.

I am grateful for the quiet no matter how deafening it is, it is proof there is progress.

 

Choices are not always so clear when your dealing with a loved ones addiction. Whether to help or not help and what kind of help is appropriate? Most of the time we don’t know where to start. What is the first step? Lots of times we have tried everything over and over only to fail and they return to what they know.

So how do we help? You obviously try rehab first. Unfortunately rehab are limited. It’s a lot of intense therapy, group sessions, parent meetings , detox all pushed into a short amount of time. If your lucky you may get the full 30 days of treatment. Although most insurance wont allow that. So your fight starts there. A couple of weeks in and you start to see the difference in your baby and you start to have some hope. They promise this is it. They will never go back to using and you enter into a false sense of security that you have beat the beast. This will all be behind you and your family and you can go back to the happy life you once enjoyed.

Upon completion of rehab they are instructed to keep up the good work. 90 meetings in 90 days. Counseling. intensive out-patient treatment and at first all seems to be going well. Then you start to see small slips. A meeting missed here and there. Withdrawing, same circle of friends calling.  Warning flags of tale-tale signs are back. You try to ignore it thinking paranoia has the better of you  but then there’s no mistaken the bottom falls out and once again you are facing addiction head on. Full blown and this time he doesn’t want to go to rehab because “it doesn’t work”  He blames everyone but himself and of course he “can beat this”. Your back to despair. What choices do you have when your baby is clearly made the choice to go back to this life? Well first realize it ceased to be a choice the moment he relapsed. Addiction takes hold from the first second they succumb to the want. It goes from want to need in one swift decision.

What are your choices as the parent. You can try to force, plead, beg, detach with anger, and ultimately detach with love hoping that now that they are calling the shots, responsible for themselves they will hit rock bottom and want their life back. Looking back you realize that the relapsed happened way before they physically slipped. The moment their mind started to shift they were on their way. The moment they listened to the old voices they stopped hearing you. Once addiction held them close you were pushed away. No amount of reasoning or threatening will work. So again where are your choices?

I have figured out that everyday I choose to love my son regardless of this addiction. I choose to support my son with understanding despite the constant disrespect. I choose to have hope when he has no faith. I choose to be patient when he is intolerant. I choose each and everyday to not let this addiction win the one thing I can control and that is my undying tenacity to fight as long as I have to for my son.  I will not let his choices take mine. I wont let his effect mine and I wont stop having them because he is held so tightly by his.

I hope in time my son will choose a better life but for now while he fights  I choose to fight with him!

 

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Most every day I feel like I’m just dipping my toes in the water. Testing how my day feels as each minute passes. Some days with little interruption of events or my thoughts I’m comfortable, not hot, not cold but more times than not I am feeling the heat of my sons addiction and the coldness of my life due to it.

If I could test the waters each day and be prepared for anything that may pull me under I could sustain and calm my soul before any waves of emotion flood over me. I could just let God walk me through the swell and lead me through all that pushes me back or Holds me under maybe I could stop my son from drowning.

If I could test the waters each day and prepare for each wave as it hits I could stop putting my wall up and my mask on so I can continue my day. Not letting on to the thoughts and emotions circling in my head. Or chaos going on in my life until I explode over some unrelated issue.

If I could test the waters each day I would see that each day is a small step out of the rain Each step is on dryer ground. And dryer ground is a firmer foundation and where your foundation is strong you can build a sturdy structure that can withstand the next storm.

I have been working on detaching for 3 years now.  Being a complete co-dependent mess if I can step away at all that is real progress for me. In the beginning my only way to pull away was to be angry. I could unleash my anger and frustration and walk away with no guilt. I would be so proud of myself thinking I had made such progress but within a day or two (if that) I would be right back in the middle of another storm.

It took very little to coax me back in. Any cry for help would send my motherly instinct into high gear and unfortunately my addict knew that too. Rushing in and saving the day for momentary relief was a gift of mine. I could handle any situation and fix any problem and my addict son would be happy and id be able to breathe. Then the hamster wheel would start again. He would get into trouble. I would fix. He would be ok (for awhile) and round and round we’d go. This has been repeated for the last ten years. The insanity of this is I never recognized this pattern or my role in it.  I never saw this was only temporarily fixing my discomfort not his illness.  That any reprieve from the craziness of the day in day out was only aiding in his addiction gaining a tighter hold. He never learned consequences of his falls and I learn to band-aid all of his problems so I could stop the hurting. Wounds so open and painful neglecting the real treatment we were (and in some ways still are) running that maze. No direction or maps to follow, aimlessly scrambling around trying to find our way out.

It was not until the last year or so that I started to see what I was really doing. To him and myself . How could I not be there for my addict when he needed me most I repeated this often and was what kept me going but now I was starting to ask a different question. How can I be there for my son when he needs me the most and the answer is quite different. Its obvious now that the only way I can be there for my son is to not be there for the addict. To not Fix! To Not control!

To detach looks very different to me now, and it doesn’t follow anger. Its preceded by love for myself and him. Realizing that allowing myself to sit in my discomfort and him to sit in his means opportunities for development. For each of us to govern our own decisions and therefore consequences we would actually attain comfort and peace in knowing we have the control over our individual lives and what those can look like. We dictate our destination and not just the journey.

I have to detach every minute of every day to accept who i am,  not protect the addict but love my son and to respect the difference. Until you are looking at each as individual entities you will not be able to hold everyone together. As I’ve said before to hang on you must let go!!

 

 

 

 

Statistics are 600-1000 people daily are getting addicted to drugs. 100 overdoses daily and every 19 minutes someone dies. Chances are you have seen, known or are an addict. Your my son, daughter, father, mother you maybe me! Safe to say when you look into a crowd you are seeing people who are fighting, submitting or about to lose their battle. Most people who are not in that 600-100 or are not the family, are one those living in a glass house that can easily be broken.  Non the less they can hide behind the sheer luck they are not affected by this terrible disease but for those of us that deal on any level with this beast daily you know it’s a life you don’t want. Not only the addict hates the disease and themselves but for us who stand in the shadows or maybe you have stepped out and are right there holding them up keeping them from falling you are suffering as much as them. You cry, plead, negotiate, offer your life for theirs if only they will be sparred.

From one day to the next is the same agonizing cycle of events. Addiction takes you and them to the brink of what you can handle.  Hearing my son say “if I can’t hold on mom I know you’ll understand as though he’s asking permission to end his suffering, How do i convey strong enough to him that this is not just his life but mine also. His heart beats mine beats in unison. That his pain is my guilt and his struggle my burden. I want to scream to him you are not just an addict you are my son. You are not this disease you are a soul. Gods creation not the devils bidder. How can I make him see what beauty there is underneath where I know he still lives. How can I reach through his pain and help him find the acceptance and faith I have in him. The unconditional love that can break down those walls of feeling unloved, unwanted and unappreciated.

Sadly for an addict the amount of love you have does not rid them of this and often they will find a way to allow it to actually aid in it. The average addict will relapse ten times before reaching sobriety and maintaining it is where the work really begins. If they become complacent recovery wont last long. Diligence in finding what works for them is the key to long-lasting success. The family of the addict has a crucial role in helping them maintain their goals and often we need as much help as they do. Our focus has to shift to ourselves so our actions support recovery not addiction. My son is one of the 600-1000 affected by drug abuse and he has been one of the hundred who has overdosed but I pray to my God he is not one of the 19 that every minute die. I will be one of the million moms to do whatever It takes to save my son… because I wont let him be one of the sad stories. One of the examples of what could happen. I wont allow him to be just a statistic!

 

When a pilot cannot see through the clouds and turbulence is jarring the plane up and down, side to side, the pilot must have the knowledge to guide the vessel to a calmer altitude. He must depend on his instruments to show him what is the safest approach to delivering his passengers to their destination. sitting in that holding pattern waiting for the storm to pass and skies to clear.

Lately I find myself in that same holding pattern with my sons addiction. Being constantly jerked here and there, not able to move forward and can’t go back. Torn between loving and hating. Saving him or letting him fall. If my love as his mother was the key he would be in sobriety today. So what is the saving grace? If I turn my back will he wake up? If I cease to put on his oxygen mask will I suffocate too? Paralyzed by the effects of this storm I fear the what if’s.

Most days I sit and wonder what did I do? I beg God for strength through faith to withstand my son shattering his life. To give me understanding of the purpose of this suffering that as a family we must endure. Why give him life to have it taken by this disease?

My only solace is that through grief we gain strength and that my son will wake up and want to reclaim his life and therefore we can start living again. So I carry on and sit in silence. I quiet my mind and steady my soul. Slowing down enough to gain some perspective and patience as we wade through. Allowing the clouds to part before progressing may show a clearer path. Staying in that holding pattern of restraint may force a solution otherwise not seen and so I hold on… grateful for the clarity of the holding pattern in his addiction waiting for sobriety to shine through the darkness of the storm knowing what is promised is sunshine after the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

Courage is defined as the ability to do something that frightens one. I think in so many ways parents of addicts are examples of courage. We face the most unimaginable situations. We look pain and fear in the face and combat it with love and understanding.  We are masters at holding our stance against the enemy and waging a long tedious battle against the war of addiction. We are terrified but stand firm and face what most could not even conceive.

I think courage and action are necessary,  to do one without the other is futile.  I  have taken an active role in my son’s relapses and recoveries paving his way not letting him discover his own passage out so now I wonder if that is where my mistakes were? Was the opportunity to learn by failure given to him?  The most important tool I could have equipped him with I am afraid I denied him.

Lately, I question if I’m showing my son the same courage as I did early in his addiction. Have I gotten complacent due to my own hurt in his struggle and tried to use the same strategies that clearly no longer work? As addiction changes maybe it’s time to change the armor. Find new weapons and rally my strength in the face of pain and grief.  Its ok to recognize I can’t obtain this for him. It is and always has been his right to prevail.

So now my courage will have to take a different fork in the road. Travel a separate but parallel path.  Overcome my own shadows and hidden dangers to allow him to face his. Accept that courage comes in different forms and the struggle to do the right thing sometimes means doing nothing.

I’m so angry!!! I don’t understand. I hate you!!! I hate what you’ve done to my family and my precious Boy. He was perfect and without flaw and you have taken that beautiful soul and turned it into your image. You kidnapped his mind and made him need you and worse want you. You stole the qualities I freely gave him. You buried his dreams, crushed his ambitions and took away his choices. You make the reward sweeter than the cost and then require a higher price. You blind him to love and deafen him to my cries. You taught him to hate himself and feel unworthy, that’s how you hold him. Any attempt to escape and you tighten the rope.
So he hangs in the balance. Tettering between your hell and the world he left for you. Only moments of clarity are still his, and even then you cloud those thoughts with images of your revenge.
You make promises, lie with hope and convince with fear. You prey on his weaknesses so he no longer sees his strengths. Teach him to deceive and alienate his conscious. He forgets all he had and lives only in your moments which you control and when you cant you bargain, negotiate and threaten to win him back.

You can transform him but only temporarily because that is not him and I will get my baby back. You cannot take him from my dreams, you cannot erase my memories, and you cannot replace the love. You will fade, and I will emerge, and he will succeed. In this world and the one promised to him he will rise above you and will join me again as he was, who he was and how he was meant to be.

I Often wonder what people who don’t have to live this life think about us who do? I can tell from the questions I get that they do not understand the addict and most don’t want to. It’s much easier to forget this problem and pretend it doesn’t exist or better yet convince themselves its only the ones who don’t follow life’s rules that are afflicted. Or maybe that they were not raised right, not given morals or values. The low of the low what else would you expect?   If it were that easy, maybe the solution would be obvious.

I have learned to shut out a lot. Not listen to the ignorance that seems to follow the stigma of addiction — the sayers who have opinions but have never faced this reality. The smirks, pity, comments and constant judgment is unfortunate and only aids this epidemic to thrive.  I will not be silenced into dark corners nor will I  allow my addict children to feel shame for a disease they have no choice in having.

When you have this kind of disease, it’s a tight rope to walk the line between sobriety and relapse. From the first slip on the wrong side of that rope ceases to be a choice and its now survival!

I have watched my sons try to manage this, and it’s a living hell.  They are unable to think about tomorrow or next week. They can only handle the next min, the next hour. As we face each day with our daily life, they are just trying to live through it. They are forced to hustle, panhandle, lie, manipulate, steal all in the name of the next high. They are whispered to in their sleep, screamed at when awake. Tortured when trying to abstain and rewarded when they finally give in.

Physically and emotionally they start to embody something you no longer recognize and just as it does with the addict when your ready to walk away, the disease lets you see just a glimpse of your baby, just enough to keep you hanging on.

From wake to sleep they run between the coldness of addiction begging it to stop to the warmth of surrender with promises that tomorrow will be different but the guilt and need only make them sincere for a long as the high holds.  Only briefly satisfied it will come back for more.

It comes for the families next and tears apart everything that held you together. Makes you enemies, strangers. No way to relate to each other because now you’re on opposing teams. One side is fighting the other submitting. Families left with little to no choice to save themselves, as they’re loved one destroys as quickly as they restore..

As we hate this existence that has become our lives our children who suffer are hopelessly giving up as normal life is just a memory and this life a nightmare. They have no strength left and peace only comes in the next fix. It is fleeting and leaves them hungry for more and sadly at this point even necessary ….and the war rages on.

How do I accept loss maybe a consequence of the life my child is living. Everyday someone loses this battle and until that day you never really think it’ll be yours. You hope that call never comes but silently you are waiting for it.  What do I tell him when he is struggling to steady himself and all around him is suffering. What do you say to them when they say “I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to live”  are we as mom’s prepared for those questions??

As a mom of addicts these are the conversations you have. Realizations you must face. Rare moments are when they welcome the opportunity to receive what you can offer. Sometimes it is out of anguish and fear. Most times you are desperate to have them hear you and they are equally obstinate not to listen.

So how do you answer???  I simply say “we will get through this” through tears I whisper “you are not alone and I will always be right here” He’s completely broken and in that precious moment he is my baby again. Needing what only a mother can give and the only thing I can offer. Reassurance, love and support. I can see the hate he has for himself for what he’s doing to me with little to no care for himself. I hear in his voice the complete desperation to stop this cycle but powerless to know how. Every gain he takes he falls back to step one.

How can I look him in his eyes and tell him he may not make it out?. That no matter how much he is loved it may not make a difference. That his best efforts may not be enough? He underestimated what addiction is and what it can do and we assumed we had all the control. How can I ever let go? What can I say to him to hang on?

This is where I reach in my heart and throw out all the books. This is where I can just be  mom. This is where I hold on tighter, Cry louder, fight harder. This is where I admit I’m scared too. That no matter what happens tomorrow I am and always will be here!! There is no magic words, no remedies to fix this disease. It’s day in day out struggle and you have to go through it but you don’t have to do it alone. Your choice wasn’t to be an addict and there’s no choice in me being your mom.  For all I can’t control or fix the one thing I can offer is my love and for all addiction changes,  that is unvarying.  I see beauty where all you feel is destruction. I see hope where you are defeated. I know you as you have forgotten yourself.

This fight maybe for a lifetime but so is my love!!!!