As he lay on the bathroom floor, needle near him. Belt still wrapped around his arm begging for me to make this stop I flashed back to him as a baby. The endless nights of colic and wondering will we get through this time. I remember feeling helpless as he cried and nothing I did would sooth him. So many moments as a mother you feel this deep aching to want to fix, just to stop the pain and everything would be okay.

But some things are not in your ability to fix and as I watch my precious son fighting his will against the drug as he lay on my cold bathroom floor, crying and begging me to help him, I know that this fight must come from within him. All I can do is hold him. Let him know he’s not alone and Hope he feels the love I have for him. Praying somehow my love can spread from my heart to him for himself I just hold on. Holding back crying as tears flood my eyes. Wanting him to only see the strong mom. The one who can handle this. I must reach so far inside myself rising above us that I can look down and disassociate from the pain.

He feels so small in my arms. Grown man only in years, still so much a boy he has wasted away to almost nothing. Arms littered with marks. Eyes sunken in. color ashen. Almost doesn’t look human. And if not for the weeping I wouldn’t even know he is still with me. I know this battle is waging hard inside him but as he looks up at me I still see my son in there fighting. Pleading with every tear that falls down his cheek to save him. So, I just hang on. I whisper, “I love you” I’m here” and he calms down and releases the pain and guilt. For this moment he is peaceful and feels safe.

I feel safe I have him and can relax in the satisfaction that for right now I am mom and he’s my son. He’s my blue-eyed boy. Asking for redemption. Expecting no mercy. But in a mom’s heart there’s only grace and forgiveness and he is coddled in that and for every moment I can give that to him I feel we have won that second of this fight. Even if it’s only that brief time stops and we have won.

When he flees and isn’t near me I will hold onto this memory and cherish what I could do for him the drug could not and one day I believe he will return to what is instinct and we will win all these moments