It’s funny how helpless our children can be in real world situations but in their drug worlds they are confident, capable people. One such incident happened last night with my son. He has very bad asthma. It’s an accumulative effect. One day leads into another , each day worsening till he’s gasping for air like a fish out of water. You can see the terror in his eyes yet he can stay relatively calm. Rushing him to the hospital I watched him closely. making sure he was still able to get some air and trying to reassure him he was ok. Even though inside I was terrified. I had never seen him this bad. Breathing was agonal. His face and lips were colorless. He was sweating and shaking with every attempt to get the smallest amount of air in. Terrifying to see an essential thing we need to live being deprived by his own body.

As he was getting his breathing treatments and starting to come around the Dr came in and was asking him questions. I forgot for a second he is an adult and capable of answering. I stepped in a few times and answered for him just to get the point across as my son tends to just get the treatments and leave. He doesn’t go the extra step to ask for prescription’s so we can prevent this. He doesn’t want to ask me for help or bother me with the inconvenience of these hospital visits. Yet drugs have been center stage for 11 years. Relapses, overdosing, jail etc. is almost an everyday occurence.

He manages his addiction like a job, It gets full attention,, He has perfect attendance. Gets promotions and moves up the chain of command. But with normal everyday necessities he suddenly is 5 years old. I almost welcome these times when I can be mom again. comfort, fix and to him…save. When it’s allowed to be who I am meant to be.

Hugging him goodbye after the crisis,  when I knew he was safe and okay I was thankful I could be who he needed. Sad I had to let him go but grateful I was there. If only I could fix the bigger issues that haunt him.

To hang on we must let go!!