To breathe….

To breathe is to know for this moment he is ok. For this time, he is safe. For this minute he is sober. I am finally able to take a breath. As hard as is it to relax in my mind. Still waiting for the shoe to fall I am cautiously optimistic this is the beginning of the end. He has taken me places I never thought I would go. We are much more capable than you think to go in their darkness. We will follow our children to any end and then ask why??? Question how??? Wonder what??? I prided myself on being the great protector. Then I turned into one of the greatest obstacles. I Became a destroyer in sheep’s clothing. I did not intend or see this happening. My intentions were to save but my actions only aided him and deceived me. I was the darkness in every corner. The shadow following him around. The reaper handing him the tool. I was his enabler….

All addicts have an enabler. Who that is depends. Who is predestined in the need to please. When our self-esteem is so low our value is only in who we can save and what we can do in other’s lives. Our lives become less and less and in truth never meant that much. We learned young our value was in our works not in us. We took on so many different faces. The protector, the savior, the fixer the caregiver. Never worthy unless we had one of those masks on. We thrived on the praise and recognition but in that self-respect died. The perfect storm for the addict where love turns to death.

I haven’t been able to breath in many years maybe never. From abuse to self-destruction to the time bomb going off in my life being detonated by their addiction I suffocate under the pressure of being perfect.

Today while my son learns to exhale I learn to breath.

To hang on we must let go….