I was so naive to think the attitudes that seem to come with addiction was only due to active addiction. I had no idea that I would be dealing with it into sobriety. How is it that the person who only seemed to have it once addiction took hold now seems to have it as a permanent attribute to their personality? Which brings me to wonder is it the chicken or the egg?

Was this complete disrespect for people, family, values, basic decency there before? OR is this a direct result of the mind altering effects addiction can have on the brain?

So many years Ive taken the abuse of their disease. Year by year manifesting into a stranger I once coddled now I can barely hug. So many I love you’s are now lost when contempt and anger prevents them from hearing my cries. Eyes blurred in a chemical existence can no longer see my hope and a hardened heart can no longer feel my faith.

The urge to find some semblance of my child in this addiction created monster has left me completely defeated and tired. Ready to retreat and tap out. I am facing little hope of ever having my children back as they once were. Therefore me myself ever being the same mom I once was.

Liking them is not a prerequisite to loving when you deal with an addict. More often than not I look at them and wonder will I ever be able to accept who they are now. Who they’ve become and what they turned me into.

As a mom thank God loving them never stops. Never diminishes. It maybe the only thing that keeps me connected to that baby I once carried deep inside me. That can never be taken away.

Everyday grieving the promise of what could be. The anticipation of what will be. The excitement of possibilities is lost but never forgotten.

With every war they wage on every memory I have of simpler, happy times. I will remember who they were. I pray the disease of addiction leaves some small shred of what I created that maybe can survive not only addiction but also sobriety. That we all can find who we were before the disease of attitudes engulfed us all.