Ah ha moment…. doing things for your addict that they can do for themselves. So were told in Alanon that anything they can do for themselves we should not be doing for them. I did not realize how much I was doing for my addict. From simple everyday things to more extravagant things. Not only did this reinforce my habit of saving my addict but it also taught him nothing about life and everything in self destruction.

He became incapable of making decisions about life and I became obsessed in making his for him. I would not let my addict think for himself and although I did not see this at the time I can look back now and see how detrimental this was for his development yet successful for his addiction.

I had to start takin conscious efforts to stop my behavior if I had any hopes in changing his. Lessons most parents take for granted are not easy as an addicts parent. If we pay there rent or don’t expect rent from them when they can pay we are hurting their ability to be self reliant. When we feed them when they are able to feed themselves we are starving them of their capabilities of taking care of basic needs. When we provide a place in our lives for people, places and play things  we are allowing addiction to continue for them and affect us. As hard as it is we have to stop all fundamental help! By stopping basic necessities as well as luxuries we alter their means to be able to support their disease. They then must choose between feeding a life or feeding the addiction.

At first they will choose addiction. I have seen this time and time again with my own. They will become meaner we become bitter. That help isn’t always monetary it can be an attitude, a mood. It can be perspective or perseverance. It can and will change the reflection you see in the mirror as it transforms them. We trade insults, harsh words. Become angry and spiteful as they fight for us to stay entangled in them. But as we reinforce healthier choices by not providing the means, stop reassuring or mimicking the behaviors that allow them to continue addiction they learn life is about consequences. If you choose drugs over food you goo hungry. If you choose drugs over rent you go unsheltered. If you choose disrespect you lose respect. Trust follows and eventually love is affected. In short addicts need help to continue.

When we stop playing tug of war they have no choice but to drop the rope. Once we alter our behavior we can love the person hate the addict. Separate our child from the disease and us from the addict.

They will struggle. They will fall. They will hate and blame us! teaching responsibility to a child is not easy. Teaching it to an addict takes strength and courage.  As we choose not to provide them a life we initially gain guilt and fear as our consequence.  In time they learn healthier coping skills and we get comfortable being uncomfortable. We start to live each day for us and despite them or where they are in their addiction we see the light again. One day they will see the light if we stop accompanying them in darkness.

We never know if what we don’t do is going to make a difference in recovery but we do know what we have done has made a difference in the addiction.

I will not promote addiction with help but will fight for recovery in abstinence.

To hang on we must let go….