Mom and Me…..When it comes to handling a loved one’s addiction there are very few rights and many wrongs. I usually reside in the wrongs. Doing anything and everything in this category takes no practice and after 17 years I’m an expert. Still, even today I won’t give up and that almost always leads me into more inner turmoil than my addict faces in his drug-induced world where he escapes. Why? Why do we as loved ones put ourselves willingly in the path of their destruction? It cant all be for love. Even love has a limit to what we can and will allow. We love bacon but may need to give it up if it’s causing our cholesterol to go sky high. No, I suspect this is deeper than love. I speculate as anything bad for us we become addicted to the excitement of the chaos. On the outside we hate it, actually despise the endless flow of confusion but on the inside, in its absence, we find ourselves apprehensive, anxious, and always waiting for the shoe to fall. It’s almost easier to be in IT than out! In is familiar and we know what to expect. Out is unfamiliar, scary, daunting even. From one minute to the next we are anticipating most assuredly the chaos that will befall our peaceful denial. For me the pull, the parent/child bond. The promise to never leave their side has had extreme consequences that I have had to come to terms with is more my vision than theirs.To be the “mom” that my mind envisioned is far from the parent you can be when you’re dealing with an addict. It takes much more courage, strength, and love for yourself, and believe it or not for your addict to not be THAT mom. It puts you in a place you never thought you’d be and forces you to make a choice you hoped you’d never thought you’d have to make and when you fail you become a mom you can’t stand to look at. No longer recognize and wish you could distinguish her very existence. It’s MOM or ME!!!As a girl from a very young age, probably from birth, we are almost brainwashed into what a good mother is. Having an addicted child/children go against every definition of that. So when we are forced to make drastic changes in how we act and react we feel guilty, sad, overwhelmed in that how dare we put ourselves first. I have become a prisoner. A hostage by my own hands. I’m the perpetrator and victim. I’m two people. First-person “mom” second-person “me” in my mixed-up thinking I created an enemy for myself and an ally for my sons. I am colorless where beauty once was. Drained avoid of any life energy. Side by side I am unrecognizable to me in the mom I’ve created. I now have to reverse the order and reroute the choices and consequences that will follow. I have to give her an ounce of what I’ve given them. Unconditional acceptance at any cost.Whatever the mirror holds for me I have to gaze into it unapologetically and love the “mom and me” that stares back.
Mom and Me…..When it comes to handling a loved one’s addiction there are very few rights and many wrongs. I usually reside in the wrongs. Doing anything and everything in this category takes no practice and after 17 years I’m an expert. Still, even today I won’t give up and that almost always leads me into more inner turmoil than my addict faces in his drug-induced world where he escapes. Why? Why do we as loved ones put ourselves willingly in the path of their destruction? It cant all be for love. Even love has a limit to what we can and will allow. We love bacon but may need to give it up if it’s causing our cholesterol to go sky high. No, I suspect this is deeper than love. I speculate as anything bad for us we become addicted to the excitement of the chaos. On the outside we hate it, actually despise the endless flow of confusion but on the inside, in its absence, we find ourselves apprehensive, anxious, and always waiting for the shoe to fall. It’s almost easier to be in IT than out! In is familiar and we know what to expect. Out is unfamiliar, scary, daunting even. From one minute to the next we are anticipating most assuredly the chaos that will befall our peaceful denial. For me the pull, the parent/child bond. The promise to never leave their side has had extreme consequences that I have had to come to terms with is more my vision than theirs.To be the “mom” that my mind envisioned is far from the parent you can be when you’re dealing with an addict. It takes much more courage, strength, and love for yourself, and believe it or not for your addict to not be THAT mom. It puts you in a place you never thought you’d be and forces you to make a choice you hoped you’d never thought you’d have to make and when you fail you become a mom you can’t stand to look at. No longer recognize and wish you could distinguish her very existence. It’s MOM or ME!!!As a girl from a very young age, probably from birth, we are almost brainwashed into what a good mother is. Having an addicted child/children go against every definition of that. So when we are forced to make drastic changes in how we act and react we feel guilty, sad, overwhelmed in that how dare we put ourselves first. I have become a prisoner. A hostage by my own hands. I’m the perpetrator and victim. I’m two people. First-person “mom” second-person “me” in my mixed-up thinking I created an enemy for myself and an ally for my sons. I am colorless where beauty once was. Drained avoid of any life energy. Side by side I am unrecognizable to me in the mom I’ve created. I now have to reverse the order and reroute the choices and consequences that will follow. I have to give her an ounce of what I’ve given them. Unconditional acceptance at any cost.Whatever the mirror holds for me I have to gaze into it unapologetically and love the “mom and me” that stares back.