Just when you think you have graduated. You have learned what to do and what not do. You worked the program. Walked through the steps and felt so secure and confident that you got this! My child’s addiction will no longer rule my world..

Then you wake up to a new war-waging. Maybe its identical to before. Perhaps this time it has a different face but quickly you recognize the reflection in the mirror is addiction. Your shocked at how easy it was to fall for the same tricks. Same lies and manipulation. Surprised that It recognizes you. Remembers your weaknesses and can play on your thoughts. It knows you as well as it knows your addict. You are well acquainted with this monster.

To add a new dimension to this I am now witnessing the destruction to my significant others life as he battles the same demon in his own child. As a couple dealing with addiction on both sides of the coin I can’t help but wonder is our plans for a future, our lives the next casualty? Will we be victim to its endless barrage of chaos and destruction.

I so much want to slap addiction in the face and say not this time…. Not this time, but let’s be real. We will go all in and only after realizing you have fallen down that same rabbit hole will you reach for help. Just once I wish I could jump over the deep dark crevice of co-dependency without being swallowed by the anguish of enabling.

Just once I would like to come face to face with denial and see reality. Just once I’d like to live my dreams and escape their nightmares. Be proud of instead of disappointed in. Somebody I can look at and see dignity instead of defeat.

So back to Alanon where mistakes mark the chance to succeed. Failures are only lessons being learned and successes even small ones, are celebrated. Until then….

I DIDNT CAUSE IT

I CANNOT CONTROL IT

AND I CANT CURE IT