I want to go back. Go back to the moments that clearly defined who and what they would be. Lately, I have had a lot of time to reflect on where and why did all this happen to our family. Most of the time, after exhausting all reasoning, I fall on the comfortable excuse “its the world we live in”  that’s not ok with me anymore. I want to understand.
How can beautiful people who have the potential to be whatever they want, fall into such a scary dark place where the only purpose they hold dear is getting the next fix?
I want to understand what I didn’t do instead of what could I have done differently. To try to rewrite the past does not change the present. How did it all domino’s into this game of life or death?
A defect in personality. A problem with the character,  parenting mistakes?
Anyone that has been in addiction, whether directly or indirectly search for that answer every day as they fight inside or side by side someone they love.
When I first started trying to understand what my sons much be going through. The struggle and battle daily to live life.  I would see reasons everywhere — explanations for the wrongs and whys. I was too harsh on them. Wasn’t hard enough. I loved too much didn’t love deep enough. Understood, didn’t understand. It’s an endless list, and I can always find reasons, but where are the answers???
As I’m about to face yet another challenge, I have to concede I am no closer to knowing the answers. I have realized this is deeper than just them. I do know there is more than one answer. I accept the fight may always be a part of their lives, and the struggle will translate into mine.
Sixteen years later, I still don’t understand, but I walk in the strength they have to fight this every day. One day I hope we all understand. With compassion and patience to hang on, we must let go…