Can the thinking stop. It’s constant. I can be busy, not busy doesn’t matter my mind never turns off. I’m in my world one sec and years away in another moment I thought I had forgotten. Reliving an event with so much clarity I am visibly shaking. Why do these memories haunt me? Can I escape the turmoil we have gone through and move forward to a more peaceful life? or am I destined to stay trapped in these reminders.

This is crazy and makes me feel so crazy. I know it’s my mind just trying to deal with all I’ve been through and I can tell myself that logically but emotionally it takes such a toll every time I visit an event I try so hard to move past. My heart beats out of control. I start sweating and always crying follows. I just want to race out of the building into the street and scream. Panic attack at its best!

What do I do in these moments I try to remind myself I’m ok. I’m not dying even though it feels like I may at any moment and honestly sometimes that’s not a scary thought for me. At times I find comfort in thinking maybe there’s a way out. That I can rest and not have this daily struggle with my mind. That this stress and obsessive worry can be stopped. Is that wrong? For me no. For everyone who loves me yes! We have lost so much already how can I think maybe that would be better for them. It’s a selfish thought so I snap back to reality and know the answer isn’t to stop living but to stop living for my addict’s. To step out from behind their addictions and walk back into my life. Stay present and learn to pause!!!