Hope can be a fleeting thing. One minute your up and looks like things are going good and the next your world is crashing in around you. It can literally go from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. I’ve seen my son praising me in one breath and cursing me in the next. I’m either supporting recovery or addiction. Sometimes that line bleeds into the other so you can hardly tell which side you’re on.  Neither is easy and both take a little more from me each time I’m faced with watching his agony or feeling my anguish. Its heart wrenching to see and more so to have to make a choice. My heart says don’t let him suffer my soul says there’s strength in the struggle. It crushes my spirit and makes me feel so unworthy of being a mom to watch my child go through something I should be able to protect him from.

My hope never dies that he will succeed in this but watching him in his hopelessness makes me feel so useless. We soldier on in so many of our kids’ battles why is he left to fight this one alone? His presence in my world is fading. I only have glimpses of him passing through. Everything about him says he has no hope. His eyes tell me he’s empty. His body shows me he’s barely hanging on.  He’s slipping away and disappearing right in front of me and all I can do is have hope. Up’s and down’s are a devastating part of addiction. with no real coping skills the downs outweigh the ups. Its almost easier to accept addiction will always be a part of our lives than not.

Hope is the evidence of faith. Faith is an affirmation of love.