Today I am reflecting on what I have learned most from my addicts. Sixteen years of watching this dreaded disease consume my babies and almost destroy our family. As much as we have overcome and endured this terrible illness, we are not without scars; they are many and deep. Somedays they still devour my sprit. Leave me empty and longing for peace that I fear I will never have entirely. On some level, I have accepted that the anxiety is as much a part of me as the illness is to them, but every day, I hope for harmony among my emotions.
When you deal with this day in and day out, and after so many years, you have to try to find some meaning in it all. The question of “why us” and the reasons elude me, so I’ve given up on that, but if I can come to some compromise with my inner self, that all we’ve gone through wasn’t for nothing. Maybe that calm I crave will follow.
Focusing on what I’ve have gained throughout this process, which I’m sure I would not have learned otherwise, is acceptance. Acceptance has been my building block for patience; patience has led me to forgiveness; forgiveness moves me to hope. Even with continued chaos around me, learning that has led me to a more serene existence. I no longer expect or demand perfection in achieving abstinence.  I no longer assume or require what my sons are not ready to give. More often than not, we are met with disappointment when they cannot meet my expectations.
I let my sons define their road to recovery, and I have solace in any step taken is walking towards the path to sobriety.
I have finally gotten after 16 years, a lot of patience, deeper forgiveness, and an abundance of hope that we will overcome no matter where we are in the battle.
What they have taught me in the most despairing times in their lives, I hope to give back in the rest of mine.