Very early in my sons addiction I did not realize so many things. All the things I was doing was to make me feel better rather than helping them. It was easy to convince myself what I was doing was in their best interest but what I have learned now is that I could not stand them unhappy or me uncomfortable so I would enable. Accepting perception over peace. Addiction is a master deceiver, eating away at them from their souls, consuming all who love them at the same time.

Now years later I can look back and see what an easy target I was. Wanting to believe the best in my sons and in my misguided view of myself led me to believe I could handle this. I lied to myself that I could never be fooled. They could never lie or manipulate me. I thought our bond was stronger then the hold addiction had. I could not be more wrong.

Addiction is a chameleon. As soon as you see it, it changes form. Blends in as you turn a blind eye to the illusive signs. Assuming each time we had won it would resurface stronger. Every-time  we thought we had eradicated the disease it would turn into a lesson in deception. The delusion we had control.

I take non of that for granted now. I do not live with rose-colored glasses on anymore. I see my faults and my sons weaknesses and I rely on the only thing that I can. I do not trust my instinct or heart. I look for the duck!! Walks like a duck, acts like a duck, its a duck!!!

I ask God to guide me in what I cannot navigate. I pray he sees us through the storm and heals our lives. I ask for grace and mercy in the test and hope one day our testimony will move someone else in the same surge a little further along.

My realization I am only mom. I am not perfect. They are only my sons they are not flawless. We learn by failures and lessons by examples and my only hope would be to achieve enough to get by. One day I know we will beat the beast but only after all our failures have been realized and experiences justified.

To hang on we must let go…

 

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