As Christmas approaches my anxiety has taken hold, followed by panic attacks I know my mind and emotions are anticipating a stressful holiday. However, I am grateful no matter what is going on that at least I have family to share happiness and if needed tears with. So many of us suffer in silence and usually that’s how I handle it but this year I am determined to stop the struggle and embrace the strength you gain from family. To openly enjoy and not secretly hate what the holidays have represented in the most recent years. I want to just allow myself to feel. Whatever feelings come up are welcomed and whatever emotions present I will work through.

The guilt and shame of what if I had done this or could have done that is hard to not place on myself especially during this time. The responsibility I feel for my child although misplaced is so overwhelming, and steals any joy I could be experiencing. I forget what it’s like to just relax and enjoy. Although I pray for calm seas embracing that is not always easy. My soul and mind are in a constant state of unwanted thoughts and worry. The quiet can be so deafening and sadly and more confusing is my ease will come with the next explosion of chaos. That is where I’m used to thriving. Should my fears prove to be true any time I have with them is at least time and another chance to love.

They do not have to be where I want them to receive that love and it should not be a prerequisite. Loving them where they’re at is the key!! More importantly giving myself the gift of love and permission to let go maybe the difference in Bah Humbug and Ho Ho Ho!!