I ask myself almost daily who I can trust. More often than not, I can count on one hand the people who fit in that club. It’s never who I want it to be. Who I need it to be. Who I anticipate it would be. 

Life has taught me trust is not a given. Most have no idea how to follow that one rule. They will lie, be defensive, and be confrontational when faced with the inability to be trustworthy. Even the most dedicated relationships fail on this basic level. We either hope and ignore the signs. Or fear and overreact. In every aspect of my life, trust seems to be the one elusive thing. I’ve questioned, is it me? Do I expect too much? Why can I give this so freely to others but fail to have it returned? 

The paradigm I have found myself in is this: I see more security in the people with whom I have a casual history. Is it because they’re the ones who have proven worthy of trust, or are they just the ones I do not expect to receive it from?

I have had to analyze the importance of this. Why is this the end all for me? It’s pretty simple. In all my relationships, trust is broken in the deepest of levels. Not being valued or appreciated. Worthy or essential. It’s easier to close your eyes than see the truth. Being the person I wish I had in so many others, I have had to create a new blueprint to follow. One that caters to the sad fact that not all value this as I do. 

To not constantly live in expectations that cannot be filled, I now resolve to trust by accepting they are doing their best. Trust in, hoping they will do better than the day before, forgiving when they fall short, and striving for understanding. 

In this, I can accept the only person I can completely trust is myself.