Premonitions are not a mystery when you’re a mother. We do it all the time. That sinking feeling in the middle of the night only to go check and find your newborn had gotten himself stuck in the corner of the crib. Or tangled in the bumper pad that had somehow come untied.

Nothing changes even as they get older. Were the same mothers we were then and have the same fears. Are they safe? Loved? Happy? However, they have changed through the years we still see their chubby little faces. Reaching for us to pick them up. Peaceful, untouched souls who’s only need is us!

I have found that those roles somewhat reverse as they get older. I think I needed them more than they did me. That was true through addiction as well. As hard as they pulled away, I held on tighter. Not wanting to give in and face failure as a mom, I did whatever I could to stay in whatever world they were in. Not realizing I was their means to this drug induced life they embraced I took any opportunity to just be close to them.

Bandaging scrapped knees were training to the bandage’s I’d have to wrap around wounds from shooting up. Doctor’s appointments for ear infections were precludes to doctors confirming positive drug tests. The many nights of horrible stomach bugs they’d pass from one to the other were practice for the ongoing dope sick nights we spent on the bathroom floor.

Hospital stays for high fevers that stubbornly wouldn’t let go replaced with ER visits for overdoses. I could go on and on, but the worst part is the premonitions. The sleepless nights knowing, feeling, fearing the next phone call. Your worst nightmare coming true. Day in day out. Dreading they’d show up or fearing they wouldn’t.

Twenty plus years I lived this life. I was consumed with fear, guilt and hatred all mixed up in love for the people I use to watch sleeping soundly I now watch to be sure they are just sleeping. Worried they would turn over and smother in their cribs if I slipped off to sleep for a second, I would then worry they wouldn’t wake at all.

Was this all my fault? I used to think so. Why? was my constant question. Why me, us, them??? It is only now that I can see addiction does not discriminate. It can be anyone. Rich or poor doesn’t matter. Good or bad life doesn’t matter. Married or divorced parents doesn’t matter. No matter what you do doesn’t matter!!

I have learned now to stop wondering why to a question I will never get an answer to. To stop expecting any answer is good enough for all we’ve been through. To stop letting premonitions rule my every waking moment. The intuition we mothers all have I’ve had to learn to somewhat ignore because we will always know. It’s a curse and blessing all in one and will consume you if you let it.

What can we do then? I have no answers only to say you love them anyway. You hope anyway. You pray anyway. To do nothing is sometimes all we can do until they do something.

To hang we must let go.