Life sure has a way of turning you upside down. You can never get too complacent. You’re constantly assured that no matter what is going on, as the world turns, so will you. 

My life has changed drastically. New challenges and obstacles have me spinning. Trying to find my balance in this situation is testing my controlling spirit. Forever my difficulty is shifting my perspective to gain insight within walls that unceasingly close in on me. Fear of change grips me like an undertow in the ocean pulling me under, only letting me go long enough to get a quick breath, then back to the cold, blackness of each surge. 

Why can’t we accept change as something beautiful? An inevitable part of life that gives us a chance to evolve. Re-do mistakes. Learn new strategies and coping mechanisms. Why is that so elusive for me? 

Even in the dysfunctional, I am more functional. I find more peace. It’s familiar and safe. I know the road map and can find my way around any obstacle in my path. 

So why do I wake up in a cold sweat and feel the weight holding me down? Panic seizing me like vice grips. Sweat pouring down my forehead, each breath following the next faster and harder. Hands numb, fingers tingling. I want to run, but I can’t feel my legs! I want to scream, but I have no voice. I’ve lost myself in the shadows of my mind, my body reacting to the constant-ness of my circumstance. 

If the chaos is so comfortable, then why react to the act? I guess that’s what I still need to figure out. In the journey is where we find the lesson that will lead us to the reason. That is what I keep telling myself.

To hang on we must let go.