Is it him or me? I ask myself this question daily. Is it my enabling or his addiction. My codependency or his manipulation. I’m so tired and yet day in and day out I use the last bit of energy I have to fight for him. Never able to give up on him i have traded my life for his.  I’ve noticed that no matter how bad he gets I am the one who seems to suffer the side effects of his disease. I carry all the emotions, shoulder all the consequences. He is frozen in his addiction. Time marching on as if there’s no end and for me, it stands still. I’m paralyzed in fear of what may come so I try desperately to prevent losing my son. So consumed I never see not only am I still losing him,  I am slowly dying myself.  I rarely recognize who i am anymore. I cant let go of him but have completely lost myself. I wonder how could I not see me disappearing as his addiction took center stage of our lives?

An addict isn’t just an addict alone. They have a whole team of players. The game becomes all-consuming, strategic moves for all involved and before you know it both have lost. They did not reach this stage without help. No matter how unintentional you have shifted from opponent to adversary. I am guilty of this in my son’s addiction. I saw his addiction as my personal failure and that sent me into a mission of being his savior and down a  long road of defeat, fear, guilt and finally acceptance. I have started to realize. It’s not him! it’s me!! It’s I who needs to change. It’s me who needs to evolve. It’s not me who can help him.  I need to change how I feel, how I help, how I listen. Overlooking the answers because they’re, not the answers I want.

Instead of expecting and waiting to see my son change I will ask God what can I do to change me. How can I line my prayers with his answers? Today I am reaching for comprehension. Asking God for discernment. Help me, help me!!