Why is the quiet so loud? why when things are relatively ok do I expect the worst at any moment. Why is the chaos more comfortable than the peaceful? I am learning to enjoy these times of tranquility.

I’m sitting here in a good place. For the moment I am in calm waters. I know a storm is headed our way any moment with the impending charges against my son has but right now all is still. Maybe its the knowing its coming that has relaxed our minds in a sense. Although hanging over our heads it’s not hidden.  He is living the best he can within what his addiction allows and I am letting him do that. Nothing in the shadows lurking gives us a spotlight to focus on.

I’ve been able to grab and hold onto some happy moments. Moments that I was even able to smile and be grateful for. I’ve been able to let go and pause to see will it all crash around me? For the most part it has sustained. Is this evidence of a happy life coming? Proof he doesn’t need me? is it verification he and I can function separately?

I think it’s a test like all things in life. Like when he learned to walk. Stumbling and falling till he was strong enough to stand alone. For me waiting and allowing him to struggle till he could reach his destination without me.  Always patient and determined to do it, he managed with little interference from me Tenacity goes a long way. He enjoyed his quiet time then.  It was observation, ability and reflection.. Today we are in that same pattern. The rhythm of self-reliance.

We are in quiet time. Restoring our faith. Nourishing our souls. When the shoe falls and the upheaval starts we will be ready and endure for this is what gives us the strength needed to withstand the next journey of his addiction.

I am grateful for the quiet no matter how deafening it is, it is proof there is progress.