When a pilot cannot see through the clouds and turbulence is jarring the plane up and down, side to side, the pilot must have the knowledge to guide the vessel to a calmer altitude. He must depend on his instruments to show him what is the safest approach to delivering his passengers to their destination. sitting in that holding pattern waiting for the storm to pass and skies to clear.

Lately I find myself in that same holding pattern with my sons addiction. Being constantly jerked here and there, not able to move forward and can’t go back. Torn between loving and hating. Saving him or letting him fall. If my love as his mother was the key he would be in sobriety today. So what is the saving grace? If I turn my back will he wake up? If I cease to put on his oxygen mask will I suffocate too? Paralyzed by the effects of this storm I fear the what if’s.

Most days I sit and wonder what did I do? I beg God for strength through faith to withstand my son shattering his life. To give me understanding of the purpose of this suffering that as a family we must endure. Why give him life to have it taken by this disease?

My only solace is that through grief we gain strength and that my son will wake up and want to reclaim his life and therefore we can start living again. So I carry on and sit in silence. I quiet my mind and steady my soul. Slowing down enough to gain some perspective and patience as we wade through. Allowing the clouds to part before progressing may show a clearer path. Staying in that holding pattern of restraint may force a solution otherwise not seen and so I hold on… grateful for the clarity of the holding pattern in his addiction waiting for sobriety to shine through the darkness of the storm knowing what is promised is sunshine after the rain.